By Thomas Tilde

The University of Massachusetts is taking new steps to prepare itself in the event of a dangerous situation on campus similar to February’s armed assault in Pierpont Hall. Residential security will begin random pat downs and cavity searches among suspicious individuals effective immediately, but according to UMPD Chief Tyrone Parham, they’re just getting started.

“Residential halls aren’t the only concern,” Parham says. “Anywhere on campus could be a target. That’s why we’re taking it to the next level.”

In April, construction of a crocodile-filled moat will begin around Whitmore Administration Building, and billboards will be erected near the library saying “no guns allowed, like at all.” Pierpont Hall will be demolished in order to prevent copy-cat style attacks, and cats will euthanized as well just to be safe.

No current plan is in place to relocate Pierpont residents, but university spokesman Ed Blaguszewski clarified that, “Until people from Pierpont stand up and denounce violence from other Pierponters, UMass can’t be expected to solve all their problems for them.”

Some students fear the news might make it more difficult to fill out paperwork at Whitmore, while others were okay with the news. Senior environmental dance major Tyler Johnson admitted, “Considering how impossible it is to communicate with administrators at UMass, I don’t think the moat could possibly make things worse.”

Georgia Merriweather, a freshman architecture major, said that the moat was “an improvement to the campus aesthetic,” but was confused why UMass featured so many prisons.

The Chancellor’s office couldn’t be reached for comment, but Collegian researchers confirmed that the changes can’t come soon enough. Based on national averages, the next armed assault should occur before you finish reading this article.

Thomas Tilde is Chancellor Kumble Subbaswamy’s anger translator and frequently attends anger mismanagement classes.