Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical and is meant for humorous purposes only. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.

Aries

You recently reached the end of a long journey. Things haven’t been easy, but new beginnings are in store for you. Your talent and hard work will be your guide as you set off on this new journey.

Taurus

Today, you are being drawn in two directions: the safe path and the risky path. You have been down the safe path before, but always leave with regrets. Allow yourself to take risks and live life on your own terms.

Gemini

You are about to enter a transitional period in your life. Things have been stagnant for a while, but an important event is right around the corner. Expect change in the near future.

Cancer

You are missing something today. There is something in your life you have lost. Pay attention to your surroundings and the environments you interact with. Be very intentional.

Leo

That thing you lost was your wallet. It must have slipped out of your pocket. I have no idea where it went. It’s probably fine, though.

Virgo

On second thought, you should probably find that wallet. It has all your credit card information in it. It also has your social security card. In hindsight, it probably wasn’t the best idea to keep that in there.

Libra

You will get an important call from a loved one today. It is your mother. Someone stole your credit card information. Things are not looking good.

Scorpion

The person who stole your credit card bought $7,891 worth of “Minions” memorabilia. Who knew there was that much “Minions” memorabilia out there? You don’t have the money to pay that off. Also, you don’t like minions. I mean, Stuart and Bob are pretty cute, but what’s the deal with Kevin?

Saggy Taurus

An important message will reach you. It is from a debt collector. His name is Steve. The person who stole your credit card took out a loan to purchase all the “Minions” memorabilia. Your credit score is absolutely tanking. It might be time to cancel your credit cards.

Capri Sun

I think they stole your identity. I can’t be sure, but I suspect they are planning on fleeing the country. Steve called again and said they tried to buy tickets to “somewhere where you can’t be tried in a court of law for financial crimes.” I don’t know how to proceed.

Aquamarine

There is a warrant out for your arrest. I’m starting to think Steve is in on it. I’m hiding in my basement right now. I am not supposed to have this laptop. If you have made it this far, send help.

Reese’s Pisces

You will have a beautiful day. – Steve

Astro Logey can be found somewhere in the cosmos. Just kidding, she’s still in the basement with her “Minions” memorabilia.