Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

Morning Wood: High court reaches unanimous decision — it’s drinking time

WASHINGTON – After hearing arguments all week last week on same-sex marraige, the only thing left for the Supreme Court to debate on is what kind of wine each justice will be having for dinner tonight.

“All week it had been gay this, gay that,” said Senior Associate Justice Antonin Scalia. “Now I can finally think about what kind of intoxicating beverage I can drink to forget about all this for a while.”

“Three-buck Chuck, anyone?” he added of the popular $3 Cabernet Sauvignon from Trader Joe’s.

The Supreme Court spent most of last week hearing arguments on Proposition 8, California’s ban on gay marriage, as well as whether or not the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) of 1996 is constitutional. An official announcement is expected to be released by this summer.

But sources close to the court say an announcement will be made today on whether it’s red or white for tonight.

“Whether same-sex marriage is a good or bad thing, not sure, don’t care,” said Justice Anthony Kennedy. “All I know for sure is that I’m getting drunk off of some Napa Valley chardonnay tonight.”

Activists who had originally come for the marriage debates outside on the court steps shouted suggestions as to what kind of wine would be better for starting the week off right, quickly crossing out signs of “gay rights are human rights, duh” and “marriage equality now” to slogans supporting either red or white wine.

“I’ve been waiting all week for this,” 58-year-old activist Mimo Roddershorn said of the wine debate. “I’m not here for all that marriage equality stuff, I just came to support white wine and all that it stands for: justice.”

“I just hope most of them make the right decision,” Roddershorn added. “This issue is not gay or straight, it’s much simpler: red or white.”

Other activists, however, held signs reading “wine equality” and raised questions as to why there even had to be such a debate.

“People, wine, whatever — why can’t we all just get along and be equals?” asked Nick Farton, a recent George Washington University  graduate who, because of his extensive coursework, has been self-liberated on social issues. “It’s so silly to debate these things, but maybe I’m biased because I don’t drink anything besides water and steamed milk.”

The justices are expected to give an answer on their wine choices Monday afternoon, right before happy hour is set to begin at singles bars across the country.

Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop can be reached at [email protected].

 

Leave a Comment
More to Discover

Comments (0)

All Massachusetts Daily Collegian Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *