Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

Cosmo sex tips you shouldn’t try tonight, or ever

♥ The Daily Collegian’s Guide to Valentine’s Day 2011 ♥

So for those of you who have opened Cosmo magazine and flipped to the Hottest Sex Tips to Drive Your Man Wild, or Crazy Sex Positions articles you know some of the tips can be a little outrageous. Here are a few Cosmo sex tips you should not try out on Valentine’s night, or ever.

Here is no-no Numero Uno: “Tie two or three knots in a nylon stocking, and gently wrap it (don’t tie it) around the base of his (guy part) so it’s snug but still has some give. The compression makes him even more sensitive, and the knots stimulate your (girl part) as you move in girl-on-top.”

So many things could go wrong with this. Tying a stocking around that spot on a guy could end in a trip to the hospital. It is a very sensitive spot and if you pull too tightly your partner will be screaming, and not in a good way. Also, if you tie a knot there, getting it out may pose another problem and your guy will be left walking around with a nylon stocking attached to him and possibly having to make an awkward trip to the doctor to have it removed.

And here is a very strange way to top off a sexual encounter: “Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.”

Is this serious? What is wrong with these people? Have you ever sat in class and saw someone sneeze and thought to yourself, “wow, that guy/girl is so hot when they sneeze.” Even if it is true that sneezing somehow amplifies your senses, the small amount of pleasure you may gain from this is not worth sneezing on your partner or getting sneezed on. Two take-home lessons from this: Boogers don’t belong in the bedroom and if you have a sneezing fetish, then you have a problem.

Let’s not forget about foreplay gaffs like this: “Text your man racy one-word messages that, when strung together, hint at what you want him to do to you that night.”

In theory this sounds great. Texting a dirty message to let your man know what your sexy plans are later is hot, but stringing them into one word is not the best idea. He is probably going to look at his phone and see a long line of letters and think you butt-dialed him, and he’ll probably ignore the message assuming it’s nothing. You are going to get mad because you just sent him a dirty text, and he didn’t respond. You’ll probably consult your friends and they’ll say things like, “He doesn’t deserve you. You’re too hot for him!” or as Dane Cook would say, “Let’s put our bags in a circle and dance.” You’ll ignore him for the rest of the night and Valentine’s Day will be ruined. So moral of the story, put spaces in-between your dirty texts so the message is clear.

The book titled “The Cosmo Kama Sutra: 77 Mind-Blowing Sex Positions” also offers proposes some perhaps a little too interesting positions.

The Passion Propeller is described as so: “ Your man lies on top of you, entering you in traditional missionary style.” You start reading this one; it sounds easy and normal enough, but then you continue to read, “but then- yowza!- he starts doing a 360-degree spin, all the while keeping his (man part) deep inside of you. As he’s rotating and thrusting, help guide him around your body the way a propeller would spin around the top of a helicopter. Make sure to lift his legs when they swing over your head.”

This position is for break-dancers and acrobats only, because while the average person may want to try it so he or she can brag to friends about how “crazy in bed” they can be, this position seems it would take a large amount of physical strength and skill. As he begins to try to 360-degree spin around you, it will be very challenging to keep him “deep in you.” All of the awkward readjusting will look like a fish flopping out of water.

Awkward readjustments often lead to uncomfortable noises, frustration and way too much concentration to make something that is supposed to be natural fun. Also, this position is a health hazard, because as his feet move toward your head, you might get kicked in the face, resulting in a black eye or bloody nose. While sideways on top of you he might bang his head on the wall and you will both be moaning from pain, not pleasure.

Another jaw dropping sex position they expect you to somehow maneuver is called the “Head Over Heals,” which tells readers to “Start by lowering yourself to your knees and crossing your arms on the ground in front of you, using a pillow to cushion your elbows. Stick your butt in the air and rest your head on your arms, bracing it on the floor if you need to. Tell your man to stand behind you and lift your legs up by your ankles until your body is perpendicular to the floor. Keep your knees bent and have him enter you from behind.”

First of all there is the risk of your arms giving out and you smashing your face into the ground (Cosmo really wants you to break your nose). Secondly, this position just seems uncomfortable and weird. Having your legs sticking up in the air and him dangling you by your ankles while he takes you from behind is somewhat strange. What happens if he accidently lets go? You may want to stay away from this one for your own safety.

A few other names of Cosmo sex positions are “The Octopus,” “Erotic Accordion,” “Diamond in the Buff,” “Side-Wind-Her,” “Wanton Wheelbarrow,” “The Sexual Seesaw,” “Standing Tiger Crouching Dragon,” “Sneak-a-Peak,” “Couch Canoodle,” “The Wow-Him-Powwow” and “Backstairs Boogaloo.” Maybe a few of these are worth a try for the more physically fit and sexually adventurous, but Valentine’s Day is a night for good, solid sex. So don’t try to step up your game unless you’re comfortable enough with what you’re doing. And any of the red flag activities outlined above should be strictly avoided, or you may be spending your Valentines night covered in snot, in the emergency room or walking around attached to a nylon stocking.

Kaitlyn Bigica can be reached at [email protected].

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