Custody, Cage, and… Silicon

By Maddie Drake

Ahh, another Wednesday. Wednesdays really are the best day of the week. You’ve survived Monday and Tuesday, which were inarguably created by the Devil, and are well on your way to Friday, the only day that I ever experience that elusive emotion called “happiness.” Plus, every Friday brings us closer to the end of the school year; I don’t really know how that works, but it does.   


This week the stars were crazy, as usual. The first news you should know about (isn’t it funny how I make it sound important?) is that Charlie Sheen was not granted custody of his kids; instead, Brooke Mueller, his ex-wife, is going to take care of them. WHAT A SURPRISE! Unfortunately for the mental health of her offspring, she just checked into rehab recently in an attempt to fix her drug problems and so her mom is going to take care of the children. These poor, poor kids. I don’t think I even have to further explain how much their lives must suck; they’re allegedly being raised by prostitutes, drug addicts and possibly mentally insane adults. So that’s nice…

Nicholas Cage was arrested this weekend for domestic abuse. He was also arrested for “disturbing the peace” but, let’s face it, he’s been disturbing the peace ever since his face started showing up in feature films. He is just really an awful actor and I’m pretty tired of listening to his weird drawl that isn’t really here nor there as far as accents go. From what I hear (read), the story goes like this: he was supposedly super drunk and his wife was trying to get him to go back to his apartment. Consequently, he fought with her on the street. Weirdly enough, once he was arrested, Dog the Bounty Hunter paid his bail. I am not even kidding. My opinion of this story is that Nicholas Cage is one of the more annoying humans out there; if I ever saw him in public I’d honestly glance the other way and hope no one paid him any attention either. I swear to God, eighty year-old librarians deserve more fame than this guy. That being said, what is Dog the Bounty Hunter doing in this story? Was he just like, trolling the streets of New Orleans, looking for opportunities for civil service? Couldn’t he have just put a few quarters in a homeless dude’s Dunkin’ cup and hurried along on his merry way?   

Another highly annoying story follows all the ex-“Teen Moms” (yeah, a paradox, I know) and as many people are now finding out, unfortunately for mankind, a lot of these “Teen Moms” have used a lot of their salary to get breast implants which is 1000000000000000X more annoying than any Nicholas Cage movie ever. On the real, I couldn’t care less about breast implants. I’m a girl, I get the whole insecurity thing, whatever. But really? First off, I’m not questioning their ability to take care of their children (that’s a lie actually) but don’t they have kids to support and rent to pay? Half the show they all just freaked out about money anyway. Plus, I’m not saying women should have to take care of the kids and I don’t think any mother shouldn’t be able to splurge on herself but, these girls are also, like, definitely all under twenty years old. It’s just weird to me.   

Anywho, that’s the lowdown for this week. If you’re feening for more gossip, check out the pics from Coachella, the music festival where celebrities try to pretend they’re regular people!