Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

Snooki and Swanepoel

Victorias Secret MCT

Almost every Wednesday I complain about the sheer pointlessness of the seven days that have preceded it, but today is kind of an exception in the sense that I almost have too much to write about. I spent more time on gossip sites than antisocial fifty year olds do on, scavenging for nuggets of comedic entertainment and, by God, I found quite a few. Unfortunately my attention span only lasts for about three stories (and three is a stretch, believe me) so you’re going to have to deal with the shortness of everything I write on your own time.

The first story is the funnier one, in my opinion, and if you care at all about “Jersey Shore,” you’ll understand why. Snooki, the living culmination of all things skin cancer, was on Wrestlemania XXVII the other day and it was one hundred million bajillion times more perplexingly hilarious than anything Rebecca Black’s done, ever. As someone who watched “J-Shore” fairly religiously, Deena’s my favorrite simply because she’s done the least amount of stupid stuff (solely a result of temporal limitations), but the second I started watching Snooki on this redneck fest, my loyalties wavered for a few confusing seconds. Snooki literally starts her set with a double backflip. Let’s be real; the moments during which Snooki was even out of her bed on J-Shore were pretty hard to find, and now I’m supposed to believe she’s some sort of gymnasticized beer-guzzling, panty-flashing guidette? There’s just no way she had a stunt double; they would have had a real hard time trying to find one, seeing as Ewoks are mythical creatures and Snooki’s mere presence on this earth is in itself a sci-fi mystery.

The next story is a little more ambiguous, because I’m torn on the subject. I’m not sure if you’ve seen the picture, but there’s a photo floating around of three Victoria’s Secret models in bathing suits blowing kisses to a camera. The conflict here is that the one in the middle literally looks like a famile victim. I mean, this model is really, really skinny. She looks photoshopped. A lot of people are saying her figure disturbs them, and she actually might get fired from Victoria’s Secret because the contract calls for her to look “healthy and muscular.” This is hard for me to decide on because a lot of my friends are naturally very skinny, and while I envy them- oh how I envy them- I also don’t think they’d appreciate it if I started to tell them I thought they looked gross. Isn’t that some type of reverse weightism (as opposed to racism)? All I know is that if she gets fired for anything, it should be for coming up with a horribly unbelievable Hollywood name: “Candice Swanepoel”. Seriously?! How is that even a name? Say the last name. Swanepoel. It sounds like some sort of medieval punishment involving a red hot poker and livestock.

Anyway, it seems as though my energy has exhausted me for the day, or maybe even the year. It’s hard to keep track of these things when you’re a college student; the only thing I really plan is the rotating schedule I use to map out which classes I’m skipping that day.

View Comments (2)
More to Discover

Comments (2)

All Massachusetts Daily Collegian Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

  • M

    maddieJun 14, 2016 at 11:27 am

    It’s a joke, Doug!!!!

  • D

    DougApr 19, 2011 at 11:06 pm

    Dear Ms Drake,

    Is this a serious article or a joke? Making fun of somebody’s name is ignorant, totally tasteless and pathetically terrible journalism. It is culturally ignorant of where the name may have come from or what it might mean.

    Find something worthwhile to write. Stop wasting the world’s time an resources with lower than low attacks on somebody’s name.