Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

Morning Wood: Free the horde of bros and lady-bros!

I may be ruffling a few feathers here, but it’s clear: UMass just isn’t bro-friendly enough. Don’t let the abundant UMass hoodies and scuffed Timberland boots fool you. There is an effort to curb bro culture on campus, and the discrimination has to stop.

Southwest cannot contain them any longer, nor can Berk’s meager gruel continue to nourish their burgeoning numbers. I am proposing a great bro migration from Southwest across campus, where they can take their rightful place as members of the UMass community.

What have we been thinking, holing these young men up in Southwest for so long? They can’t – they won’t – be tamed.  Free them! Let them roam the vast uncharted wilderness of UMass like Tolkien’s Rohirrim, the horse-lords who traversed the rolling plains of Rohan in great thundering hoards. A Brohirrim, if you will.

To help our brethren feel more comfortable on campus, we need to create more bro-friendly zones, where bros can congregate to discuss their March Madness brackets, their favorite light beers, the biddies they grinded up on at an <awesome unremembered party> at an <undisclosed fraternity house> last weekend, and generally fist-pump and chest-bump to their heart’s content.

In these impromptu support groups, bros will remain anything but anonymous, feeling completely free to let it all hang out, open themselves up, and pour forth all the secret pain they’ve hidden for all these years under a veneer of false bravado.

Since there isn’t enough construction on campus, the SGA wants to build smokers gazebos to satisfy those out-of-control hipsters who insist on polluting the air outside of Bartlett in their skinny jeans and beanies. The scoundrels. Why not add a couple of bro-zebos to accommodate the upstanding UMass bro population?

And we can’t forget about the ladies! Lady-bros need some help breaking out of obscurity and blossoming to their fullest potential on the UMass campus, too. In addition to the UStore, which sells a number of bro basics, a luxury boutique should be created, which will sell all of the accoutrements any respectable lady-bro may desire. These items include, but are not limited to, pilly leggings, pre-salt-stained Uggs (they do it for you – how sweet), blindingly glittery tops and body-con skirts for all your party needs.

To reinforce how committed we are as a campus to letting bros and lady-bros see the light at the end of the Southwest tunnel, a Rubinoff fountain sponsored by Rubinoff, the official drink of UMass, will be installed on the Haigis Mall. It will proudly bear the neon inscription “ZooMass” (the traditional name of the University, which the administration has been cruelly trying to subvert in recent years in an act of tyrannical imperialism) on its flank, to show that the uprising was a success. This fountain, set to be unveiled during the Welcome Back BBQ in September, will be the University’s crowning glory, a true pièce de résistance. To be sure, it will be a welcoming sight for parents as they drop off their firstborns at the vodka-drenched gates of ZooMass.

So, fellow bros and lady-bros, unite! Don’t let those hipsters hold you back any longer. The year of the bro is upon us.

Sparky Banana is a Morning Wood lady-bro and can be reached at [email protected].

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