MASSACHUSETTS MORNING WOOD
Construction displaces species living in tunnels on campus
The vast amount of construction on the UMass campus has forced cave-dwellers, or Cro-Massnums, to leave their homes.
UHS to offer “Fast Pass” to students
Due to recent complaints from students regarding long waiting periods at UHS, officials at UMass have decided to release wristbands to students who wish to skip long lines.
UMass students create animal hybrid
University of Massachusetts students have created an animal hybrid with the head of a horse and the body of a human.
High court reaches unanimous decision — it’s drinking time
Supreme Court justices debate what kind of wine they will have for dinner.
THE BARTLETT STALL
Free the horde of bros and lady-bros!
Morning wood lady-bro Sparky Banana explains how UMass isn’t bro-friendly enough.
Drizzle Meeks describes the beauty of UMass’ Fine Arts Center.
Morning Wood blowhard, Bongo P. McGee, introduces the new pope.
FARTS AND SHITTING
Tim Burton’s career reaches its incestuous peak
Tim Burton’s newest film, titled “Johnny Depp,” will star the director’s spouse, Helena Bonham-Carter as Depp.
A review of an iconic American classic gone bohemian hipster obscurest.
STICKS AND BALLS
UMass football to play home games at Townhouse Apartment complex
UMass signed a 10-year contract Sunday to make the quad-lot behind the Townhouse Apartment complex the new home for its football home games.
UMass men’s basketball to go on tour with the Harlem Globetrotters
The UMass men’s basketball team announced it will leave the NCAA to shoot 4-pointers against the Harlem Globetrotters.
Hulk Hogan brought on to coach UMass wrestling
Wrestling icon Hulk Hogan has accepted a $500,000 contract to coach the UMass men’s wrestling team.
