Morning Wood: “Facebook to buy the known universe,” says insider

By Morning Wood Staff


In a stunning move, the Morning Wood received an exclusive tip from an anonymous insider at Facebook that the company would announce its intention to purchase all of the known universe. This purchase will purportedly expand Facebook’s holdings outside of this galaxy and bring the popular social networking service to the rest of this dimension, although the insider was hesitant to make any promises about connectivity in neighboring realities.

The biggest changes will go into effect next week, as Facebook unveils its long-rumored Faster-Than-Like technology, allowing likes, comments and shares to travel faster than the natural limitations of this plane. However, the universe is a big place and it will take a couple of weeks before the newest craze in social media catches up to and exceeds the expanding boundaries of reality.

Supreme Eternal Emperor of Mankind Mark Zuckerberg was of course unsurprised about the leak and as such was excited to share the direct details with me when I enquired directly with Facebook for further comments.

“Its a really exciting time for us and for the entire universe as well,” Emperor Zuckerberg said via a direct stream-of-consciousness transmission into my mind. “At Facebook, we’ve always been about pushing the envelope, right since our humble startup beginnings. We ask, what can we do for the user? Once Facebook achieves enough momentum through this newest update, it will literally surpass the edges of the known universe. Of course, we’re work-shopping new product trajectories and design strategies that we can’t quite talk about yet, but we can cross that bridge when we come to it.”

When asked about the unexpected and altogether surprising purchase, Emperor Zuckerberg chuckled.

“When you really think about it,” he said, “it’s not really as complex as it seems. If we’re buying the entire universe, we’re going to own the money anyway, barring the extra-dimensional holdings of some of our competitors. And we acquired the rights to a bunch of the fundamental forces and laws of nature awhile ago, so we were able to throw them to our engineers and allow them to expand on that existing technology, incorporating it with our own design language and company philosophy to create something uniquely Facebook. So in a certain sense, it all kind of just works itself out.”

What Emperor Zuckerberg seemed most excited about, however, was not the reality altering reach of his pan-galactic media empire; rather, it was the prospect of bringing the unique and unavoidable connectivity of Facebook to an even larger audience.

“We humans have long enjoyed the unique social offerings of Facebook and I firmly believe that the ability to connect and share in such an intimate way has had a meaningful impact on human civilization,” Emperor Zuckerberg said. “But what about the Reptilians? The rock people of Glomulus IV? The sentient fungus clouds of Ajax Prime? We believe that every sentient being, carbon-based or not, has the right to share the details of their day-to-day existence through pictures and status updates. After all, we at Facebook make money when people use our service. It’s only natural that we want everybody in existence to use it.”

He continued, “We started with Facebook Home, then followed up with Facebook Town, Facebook Country and Facebook Planet. The expansion from one to the next was logical and tremendously successful. Facebook Universe is merely our attempt to get ahead of the curve, to take that innovation we are known for and push it forward into ‘the next big thing.’ Following that philosophy, we want Facebook to be the future. Not just the future of computing, the future of social networking, the future of advertising, the future of everything.”

Nat A. Shillman can be reached at [email protected]