Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

John Calipari: I’m better than you, UMass, and we both know it

Don't piss Calipari off. (Charles Bertram/Lexington Herald-Leader/TNS)
Don’t piss Calipari off. (Charles Bertram/Lexington Herald-Leader/TNS)

By John Calipari

The deadline for all these columns I submit is 5:00 p.m.

I took a nap before writing and woke up at 6:30.

It’s nice being me.

But I guess it’s time to address the UMass community on its decision to retire a jersey for me celebrating the 20th anniversary of the final four team from the 1995-96 season.

Chances I go? Screw it I’ll just send a filmed video response from my desk here.

We went 35-2 and made it to the Final Four. Marcus Camby, 20 points and 8 rebounds, and didn’t pay for a single thing in his time in Amherst. Ahh the good ‘ole days when the NCAA wasn’t breathing down the neck of the player’s agents. Life was way easier back then.

UMass fans, here is your official statement: HAHAHAHA. What’s it like to know that you’ll never be as good as me? If newspapers had the capability of including emojis in their newspapers, I would have included about six of the crying/laughing one.

Really though, what happened once I left? I kind of forgot about you guys for a minute there, you fell off the grid for so long. Last year, someone at the NCAA tournament pulled me aside to inform me that Tennessee had just embarrassed the Minutemen.

My response: UMass made it to the tournament?

Want to know another fun fact? Life outside the Pioneer Valley is AWESOME. You all should try it. It nice actually hanging out and associating yourself with real people and not all those stuck-in-Woodstock hippies.

Also, it’s so much easier to recruit kids to play in the South rather than that giant wind tunnel you guys call a campus. Speaking of recruiting, Lexington is the best. It’s like every top player in the country wants to play for me because they know they’ll turn right around and get drafted. Plus we are currently 38-0 and will win the NCAA Championship becoming the first team to go perfect in the regular and post season since my buddy Bobby Knight did at Indiana in 1975-76.

My all-time favorite recruiting story, though, is Derrick Rose. That was classic. He couldn’t even get the bare-minimum score on his SATs so I had to pay for someone to take it for him. Seriously, you sign your name on the thing and that’s like half the points you need right there.

I have one final bone to pick with the UMass/greater Boston community though. And yes, that starts with you, Mr. Dan Shaughnessy. You wrote a column the other week about how upset the Boston Globe was when they didn’t get invited to the selection show party at my house. That night was an absolute banger.

By the way, Shaughnessy was 100 percent the kid in high school that would tell his parents and call the police when he didn’t get invited to a party. Sorry, Dan, only cool kids were allowed to that one.

But really, Dan, what gives? You want to attack me just because UMass is still showering me with love and affection. That’s not cool.

Here is an actual expert from his Globe column:

Cal promotes the dribble-drive and gets his one-and-done kids to the NBA. He walks hand-in-hand with the fraudulent, sanctimonious governing body that insists we refer to his players as ‘student-athletes.’ What a joke.”

I love how Shaughnessy’s that guy that who loves to think that the NCAA is amazing and everyone plays by the rules. No one gets to be as successful as I am by not bending the rules. Maybe you should try to same thing with journalism.

P.S. I’m going to rent out your neighbors house and throw a party there after we win the title this year. Hope you enjoy loud music!

Go Wildcats!

Do not try contacting John Calipari. He won’t answer. He’s better than you.

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