By Luke “The Man” Peters

Before you head back to CVS and invest in the latest synthetic, pore-exfoliating skin care remedy, let me bring to your attention the latest skin care product. Ferocactus wislizeni, also known as the Barrel Cactus, is a naturally occurring plant that can reduce acne by 100 percent if you simply rub it against affected areas at least six times per day.

Professors at the University of Massachusetts recently concluded an expensive 10-year scientific study on the amazing anti-inflammatory and acne-reducing properties of the Barrel Cactus, a small cactus native to the Southwestern United States and Mexico. Although the scientists behind the study showed no evidence of analyzing the biological aspects of the plant and how it interacts with the human integumentary system, there is clear proof that vigorously rubbing this spikey plant on the surface of your acne-prone skin will make you more attractive.

Believe me, I was skeptical at first too. I mean seriously, how could scraping your back with a cactus possibly reduce acne? I decided to see for myself, so I took a walk up the Durfee Conservatory to feel this prick in my skin. I found ferocactus wislizeni in a small pot, and the plant itself was about the size of a baseball. I carefully poked my finger onto the spikes of the cactus, just to get a sensation of the pain before scraping the entire plant on my upper back.

I’ll admit, the Barrel Cactus works a lot differently than other acne medications that I’ve used, but I think that’s what makes it so efficient. Instead of the soothing, silky sensation you would normally feel from rubbing an anti-bacterial lotion on your skin, the Barrel Cactus hurts when you first apply it. The sharp spears on the cactus dig deep into pimples, which causes you to bleed very significantly. Initially, I was extremely alarmed at the amount of blood dripping down my back, and I thought to myself, “there is no way that causing myself this much agony will get rid of my acne.” Still skeptical, I decided to do some independent research on the remedy. After typing vague questions into Google and finding almost no information on how a cactus can reduce acne, I stopped using the Barrel Cactus and switched back to my normal acne medications.

However, after a full year of persistent use of these prescription medications, my friends were still calling me pizza-face and I was still going to bed alone every night. I spent another full year searching for an acne medication that would reduce my acne enough to get me a girl and some real friends, but still no luck. While drowning my sorrows in ice cream at Frank, I realized that I should reconsider using the Barrel Cactus to get rid of my acne. Once again, I found myself at the Durfee Conservatory, profusely bleeding and deliriously screaming at the pain of scratching myself with this particularly spikey plant. I realized that I was ignorant to only have used the remedy once, so I walked up to Durfee daily and applied the medication twice at breakfast, lunch and dinner. Although my skin did not look as clear as I thought it would, my acne was eliminated after just one full week of using the Barrel Cactus. And the best part was that not only did I perceive myself to be a truly handsome man for the first time in my life, but also everyone else seemed to notice my attractiveness.

Instead of receiving ridicule for my gross acne, people would ask me why the hell I had scratches over my face, back and chest. Nobody had a clue that I even had acne in the first place. Instead of girls telling me, “don’t worry, if your face cleared tomorrow up you’d still be ugly,” they would skip right to asking me why I was all cut up. I would proceed to tell them I was a CIA agent who just wrestled a grizzly bear to death with my own two hands, and then we would make out.

Although I was highly skeptical about using the Barrel Cactus to get rid of my acne, it took my two long and lonely years to realize that this remedy is truly the most effective. Plus, professors at the University of Massachusetts Amherst have used real science to prove it works. Hit up your local conservatory or plant store soon and start rubbing this cactus into your back because, believe me, you will never have to deal with acne again.

Luke “The Man” Peters is the Collegian resident “cool guy” and can be reached at Frank, just sitting.