Height is everything. It is all that truly matters in evaluating people, and it is certainly the only metric by which one ought to measure their self-worth. My personality, hobbies, interests and talents are a meaningless charade — an empty farce. Sure, I am Rand Smiley. But more than that; I am six-foot-five.
Consider our three greatest presidents: George Washington and Franklin Roosevelt were six-foot-two, while Abraham Lincoln was six-foot-four. Correlation is not causation, but let us not sit around pretending that their relative success in the highest office of the land was the result of steadfast and honorable principles combined with excellent leadership abilities. No, it’s all about the towering tendency, the altitudinous advantage, the soaring supremacy. Did you enjoy that alliteration? More like tall-iteration.
Now, I know what you might be thinking: “Wait, but what about the bad presidents! James Buchanan stood at six feet tall.” You think you have me in a corner with that one, huh? No, you dumb peasant. The cut-off, clearly, is six-foot-two (sorry Obama, maybe next time.) But I’m not just six-foot-two — I’m six-foot-five. Smiley for President 2036, baby. Keep your eyes peeled for the lawn signs.
How’s the weather up here? Better than down there.
Can I grab a thing from that shelf you can’t reach? Effortlessly.
Do I play basketball? No, but I’ll still posterize you and your grandmother on any given Sunday.
Think back to all those icebreaker activities at the start of the semester: “What is your name, grade, major and something interesting about you?” While you struggled to conjure up some embellished fun fact from your mundane existence, I sat easy knowing I had a reliable ace up my sleeve. Oh, you play lacrosse? Cool. You started an app that brings donated food to hard-to-reach impoverished communities? That’s neat. You’ve played guitar on stage with Eric Clapton? Wow, color me impressed. Just kidding, look at how tall I am in my Timberland boots. They make me like another full inch taller, not that I need it.
You know who else was tall? Jesus. Sure, you might try to come at me with facts about the probable physical traits of the Israelites living in Nazareth during the first century, but I’ve seen pictures of the “Christ the Redeemer” statue in Rio de Janeiro, and since I never saw Jesus in real life I have to assume that the statue is to scale.
Speaking of ancient people, you would not believe how well being tall plays with the elderly. Any time I go to an assisted living community, I get treated like a rock star. In my experience, all grandmothers are a maximum of five feet tall, and you should see the wonder in their eyes when I walk by. They regale me with stories about the other great tall people they knew in their long lives, and it is quite simply delightful. You will never experience that.
Of course, it is not enough to explore the advantageous nature of being tall. We must also consider the effects of shortness. As a history major, I can confirm with absolute certainty that Napoleon Bonaparte would have been victorious at the Battle of Waterloo had he been a few inches taller. It is a well-established historical fact. Further, consider President Donald Trump. As we all know, Trump is three-and-a-half-feet tall — one inch for each approval rating percentage — and is in the midst of a solid attempt at dethroning James Buchanan for the accolade of worst president in U.S. history. I don’t think I need to explain what this anecdotal evidence means for short people, but you know what they say: “Anecdotal evidence is always reliable.”
In summary, people who care too much about their own above-average height undoubtedly deserve their overconfidence founded upon an arbitrary physical trait they were born with and did not earn. Height is totally an interesting topic and should be brought up in conversation whenever possible.
Rand Smiley is a Former Chipotle Employee that can be reached at said Chipotle until the restraining order kicks in.
