Massachusetts Daily Collegian

Morning Wood: Geese hired at UMPD; crime plummets

‘We have managed to harness the pure hatred that is a goose’

%28Maxwell+Zaleski%2FDaily+Collegian+Graphics%29
Back to Article
Back to Article

Morning Wood: Geese hired at UMPD; crime plummets

(Maxwell Zaleski/Daily Collegian Graphics)

(Maxwell Zaleski/Daily Collegian Graphics)

(Maxwell Zaleski/Daily Collegian Graphics)

(Maxwell Zaleski/Daily Collegian Graphics)

By Yvonne "That's a French Ass Name"

Hang on for a minute...we're trying to find some more stories you might like.


Email This Story






Crime has been declared “eradicated” following the University of Massachusetts Police Department’s adoption of armed geese officers from the campus pond.

The decision to replace human officers with the avian species was made during a review of UMPD procedures and policies by Chief of Police Tyrone Parham. Citing rising costs of operating the department and the overextension of current resources, Parham defended the decision by saying the results speak for themselves.

“With human officers, the UMPD was limited in how many cases they could respond to. Noise complaints went unaddressed, and parking tickets went unissued,” Parham said, “but not with the geese. Nothing gets past them. They’re literally everywhere.”

The geese officers are on 24-hour patrol throughout the University’s campus, but their efforts are particularly concentrated in the vicinity of the campus pond. Since their institution, there has been a nearly 100 percent decline in both violent and non-violent crimes.

Donald Gladstone, deputy chief of aviary agents, said that the officers had also addressed non-criminal activities with equal vigor, creating a “no-man’s land.”

“Whether it’s murder or littering, the geese officers react pretty viciously,” Gladstone said. “We’ve managed to harness the pure hatred that is a goose.”

The geese do not require health insurance and receive complimentary food and housing in the grass by the campus pond.

“With the arrival of geese officers comes discipline, order and a screech loud enough to bring down even the wildest of Southwest ragers,” Parham explained.

Parham noted that he never doubted the ability of the geese to combat crime, saying that their “instinctive tactics” of pack hunts and sidewalk ambushes ward off any tempted criminals.

“This is the species that conspired to bring a plane down into the Hudson River, after all,” Parham added.

Senior physics major Jackie B. Stalk said that her temptation to litter outside of the library was immediately gone after she watched a freshman be nearly eviscerated by the officers for the same crime.

“First one goose stood erect, spread its wings and hissed,” Stalk recalled, “then a dozen appeared out of nowhere and they all charged. The poor kid barely got out of there alive.”

Michael Grimm, an assistant professor of animal science, described geese as the ideal police force agent.

“Once a goose is on your trail, that’s the end of the story. Now that they’re equipped with weapons, there’s really nothing stopping them from achieving their goals, and now their goal is justice,” Grimm noted, “Geese do not fear death.”

Grimm, a leading expert in geese, added, “You know, goosebumps are called that because fear is a natural reaction to seeing a goose.”

The program is facing criticism after claims that the new officers can be easily bribed with pieces of loose bread, or several hundred dollars. Geese officers responded to a request for comment with a blood-curdling hiss or honk. No further questions were asked, out of fear.

Yvonne “That’s a French Ass Name” is not giving out her phone number. She cannot be reached.

 

Leave a Comment

If you want a picture to show with your comment, go get a gravatar.




Navigate Left
  • Morning Wood: Geese hired at UMPD; crime plummets

    Archives

    Paparo: Signing with Premier Lacrosse League a “simple decision”

  • Morning Wood: Geese hired at UMPD; crime plummets

    Archives

    UMass softball’s seniors go out in style

  • Morning Wood: Geese hired at UMPD; crime plummets

    Archives

    UMass’ season ends in the A-10 tournament with 8-2 loss to Fordham

  • Morning Wood: Geese hired at UMPD; crime plummets

    Archives

    With its back to the wall, UMass delivers against Saint Louis

  • Morning Wood: Geese hired at UMPD; crime plummets

    Archives

    Minutewomen struggle in opening loss against GW, rally back to beat St. Louis in elimination bracket

  • Morning Wood: Geese hired at UMPD; crime plummets

    Archives

    Minutewomen seeking redemption in Atlantic 10 Tournament

  • Morning Wood: Geese hired at UMPD; crime plummets

    Archives

    UMass softball looks to win first A-10 tournament since 2012

  • Morning Wood: Geese hired at UMPD; crime plummets

    Archives

    UMass has season finale rained out after splitting double header with George Mason

  • Morning Wood: Geese hired at UMPD; crime plummets

    Archives

    ‘Not Backing Down’ panel draws in hundreds of attendees despite legal controversy

  • Morning Wood: Geese hired at UMPD; crime plummets

    Archives

    UMass Permaculture Gardens available online in 360-degree view

Navigate Right