Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.

A light cough. A small sneeze. A congested sniffle. Once sounds of the fall season, these indicators of the common cold now have much scarier implications. With winter right around the corner, it’s time to ask that all important question: Is our University Health Services doing okay? Like, really, are they good?

Recently, there has been a surge in the amount of complaints against UHS. With all of these heavy allegations, it felt like a good time to check in and make sure UHS is feeling okay. Our reporters sat down with UHS worker Dr. Un Fitt to discuss the complaints against the department.

“I don’t understand it. We are doing everything possible to ensure the health and safety of students,” Dr. Fitt commented. “I just wish they would be more grateful.”

Sophomore Indie Sposed claims she has had a cold for over a month, a likely story, and had a negative experience with UHS. During her appointment, Sposed was diagnosed with “sick” and left with medicine.

“All they said was that I’m sick. I could’ve told you that,” Sposed said.

It is unclear whether Sposed has the authority to diagnose themselves with a medical condition. We asked Dr. Fitt about this diagnosis, who said, “We gave her a medical diagnosis, what more does she want from us?”

Sposed visited the department again a couple weeks later to try to secure a more firm diagnosis. She claims that her request to be tested for a sinus infection was shot down and she was simply asked if she was allergic to mold, to which she responded no. Our Collegian reporters, however, found out that she left UHS with a diagnosis for a “sinus thing.” When confronted about these claims, Sposed commented, “They just said ‘it’s a sinus thing.’ What am I supposed to do with that?”

“What does she want from us?” Dr. Fitt questioned. “First ‘sick’ wasn’t good enough and now ‘a sinus thing’ isn’t either. She asked to be tested for a sinus infection, we just cut out the middle part and cut right to the chase.”

Freshman Disa Straught went into UHS with a rash covering his arms and face and left with a prescription for antidepressants.

“It’s not what I came in for, but I mean, I’ll take them. I still need to fix the rash though,” Straught said.

When asked about these accusations, Dr. Fitt commented, “Look, we know what people want when they come in. We just cut the small talk and get right into the drugs.”

Issa Late also has complaints against UHS. Late went into UHS with hives running from his shoulders down to his arms. When he asked doctors about the potential causes of his hives, they diagnosed him with “Wow, I’ve never seen that one before.” When asked about this diagnosis, Late commented, “How have they never seen hives before? I mean, even I know what they are. Aren’t these professional doctors?”

“Look, he clearly hadn’t seen it before either if he was coming to ask us what it is. We were just being honest,” Dr. Fitt said regarding Late’s experience.

Collegian reporters sat down with Dr. Fitt to ask about the “You know what, maybe if those ‘isen-bro’ kids would wear their masks properly then we wouldn’t be having kids fall left and right,” Dr. Fitt said. “And you know what, where do these kids get off telling us how to do our jobs? I never told them to get sick, that’s on them.”

Our reporters stepped aside after this statement to give Dr. Fitt a minute to regroup after the interview. When they stepped back inside, they found Dr. Fitt googling what strand of the flu the sinus is. It is clear that Dr. Fitt cares deeply about the safety of students and goes to extreme lengths to check that his work is accurate.

Students need to stop complaining about the state of the school’s medical departments. They are doing a moderate amount to ensure the health of most of the students that attend the University. What more could students possibly ask for?

Asha Baron can be reached at [email protected].