Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.

Team sports: A quintessential part of the American experience. Whether it’s football, soccer, baseball or anything in between, we can all come together to watch grown men and women fight over a ball, or in winter, a puck. With winter right around the corner, hockey season is in full swing. In true American fashion, students at the University of Massachusetts find comfort in bonding over poorly heckling players.

Don’t get me wrong, heckling is a great way to get in the other team’s heads when done right, but many of these UMass students don’t understand how to properly psych the other team out. “Ugly goalie” and “you suck” just aren’t cutting it anymore.

Junior psychology major Aggie Nize is heading the effort to revise our hockey heckles. “Essentially, we want to make it so that when they get knocked down, they don’t get up again,” Nize commented.

Nize recommended that instead of chanting “ugly goalie” or “you suck,” hecklers chant “your mom never loved you.”

“It’s really about getting in their heads and messing with them on a psychological level,” Nize explained. “Players don’t want to be reminded of their inner demons while on the ice.”

Nize also suggested that hecklers go after players’ academic and social shortcomings. She recommends using chants such as “you can’t do basic algebra,” or “your friends don’t respect you.”

“Remind the players they are failing their calc class to be there,” Nize said. “And make sure they know that nobody has ever been happy to see them when they walk into a room.”

We followed Nize to the UMass hockey game against Paris University College of Kansas (PUCK) where she employed these new heckling tactics. After PUCK player number 69 Ben Derr scored a goal, Nize yelled, “your father’s gambling addiction tore your family apart.” After being yelled at, Derr slumped down onto the ice and entered a dazed state, not even reacting to the UMass players pushing him around like a hockey puck.

“I think I’ve accomplished what I set out to do,” Nize said.

While some UMass students may think that the heckling is too much and that hecklers are vile people, this is simply not the case. Hecklers are often misunderstood. Some students, such as freshman Ruel Stickler, argue that hockey fans don’t have the authority to critique players.

“I’m pretty sure most of these people don’t understand the basic rules of hockey,” Stickler claimed. “I overheard one guy tell someone that the libero needs to win the kickoff if they want to get match point. That’s three completely different sports. How did he end up at a hockey game?”

Collegian reporters observed hecklers at the UMass vs. PUCK game to check the validity of Stickler’s claims. One heckler was overheard explaining the game to another player. “We have 10 minutes before the next quarter, and then they do the halftime kickoff. We just wait and hope it’s below par this time,” Ziam Boni said.

It is clear that these students understand the sport well enough to explain to other players how to play. They simply lack the critical thinking skills required to get into the heads of the other players.

With hockey season in full swing and a reputation to uphold, it is important now more than ever that we teach these hecklers a thing or two about psychological torment. To ensure the success of these new tactics, Collegian reporters spoke to Center for Counseling and Psychological Health psychologist Dr. Addy Kate about them, who commented, “They’re doing what now?”

Dr. Kate refused to comment any further, but was spotted in her car after this interview frantically lighting a cigarette and screaming into a neck pillow. While this would normally be concerning, this reaction indicates that these tactics will work extremely well.

If UMass wants to win the Frozen Four again, we have to teach these hecklers how to properly heckle. This is the only team that is pulling its weight, we can’t do anything to jeopardize the team. We must not allow the hockey team to become the Isenberg of sports.

Asha Baron can be reached at [email protected].