Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.

This week, officials at the University of Massachusetts announced plans to develop a new college for students. The UMass DisHonors College (UDC) will be piloting new systems for low-achievers and barrel-scrapers alike. According to the incoming Dean Sean Merritt-Aid, there will be many new features and amenities for students that enter the un-esteemed college.

“We are excited to offer new courses and scholarships, in addition to the new DisHonors curriculum that all DisHonors students need to complete in order to graduate with good standing in the college. Or was it bad standing?” Merritt-Aid mulled. “We’re still working out some of the details.”

The DisHonors curriculum will consist of a compulsory DisHonors course progression which brings with first-year class DIS201H: Ideas that Do Not Change the World. The syllabus of that class covers a myriad of mundane topics, including TikTok dances and Plato’s “Allegory of the Cavern.” One required submission will be an essay arguing whether bread should have remained unsliced and whether sliced bread empowers or demeans the individual.

The UDC will also be offering DisHonors seminars like DIS191BPH: Back Page News. Students will discuss less than riveting news articles from the 37th page of Google searches, complete daily crosswords and analyze obituaries and classifieds. The Dean was also excited to announce that all mathematics courses will automatically fulfill DisHonors course requirements.

“All of our professors in these courses would have at most a 2-star rating on ratemyprofessor.com,” said Merritt-Aid proudly. “We want to give our students only the most authentic DisHonors experience.”

A survey showed that a large proportion of students at UMass are thrilled for the opening of the new college. Sophomore Gene P’Ay II shared his thoughts with the Massachusetts Daily Collegian.

“I think this college would be extremely beneficial to students like me,” said P’Ay II. “I was glad to see that the application criteria guarantee admission to the college for cream-of-the-crotch students. While other students plan to make waves, I think it’s good to just dip my toes in the water and make tiny rudely-shaped ripples.”

Tantalizingly-exclusive grant scholarships await the deplorable students who enter the lowly ranks of the DisHonors College. Students who decide to take on Independent Desearch Studies will be eligible for attractive grants from the Office of Student Financial Resistance. Incoming DisHonors first years are automatically considered for lucrative scholarships, where the award amount is based on a college-specific admissions essay about how the student embodies the seven deadly sins. Typically, most admits into the UDC will have perfect marks on sloth, having not submitted anything.

“I really hope to get into the UDC. I feel like it will definitely boost my resume and bolster my career aspirations as a scoundrel and a rapscallion,” freshman Sid Camourre explains. Camourre is a Disorders major and hopes to graduate from UMass and the UDC with a very low GPA.

“Dis honors, dat honors, what’s the difference?” said a confused student who refused to make a further comment during a quick street interview with Dean Merrit-Aid and the Collegian. The dean reportedly has his sights on this student and thinks she would be a perfect fit for the college, maledictorian even.

UDC students have attractive housing options too, which will no doubt be part of the reason that many students flock to the UDC application. Exclusive options include dorms underneath the bleachers at McGuirk Alumni Stadium. The Sylvan housing area will also be remodeled into honorary DisHonors dormitories. As part of UDC Residential Academic Programs, DisHonors students will be sequestered for the first week of school and put through a rigorous DisHonor boot camp which includes nap elongation exercises and basic grammar and courtesy unlearning classes.

Students should look out in their email inboxes for new developments until the inaugural applications for the UDC open during the spring semester. “Big, bad, bold things are coming soon,” says the dean, “UDC is just what these kids need.”

Shane Keiser can be reached at [email protected].