Satire: UMass needs to take care of these unpheasant geese

These geese have become too much of a birden

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Katherine Mayo / Daily Collegian

By Asha Baron, Assistant Op/Ed Editor

Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.

School is back in full swing at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. As we enter October, the weather is beginning to cool down and classes and exams are ramping up. But one thing remains the same: the geese.

No matter what time of the year, you can guarantee you’ll find a gaggle of geese on campus. Someone get Holden Caulfield on the phone because we’ve found the answer to the age-old question “Where do the geese go in the winter?”: UMass Amherst.

Originally thought to be geese from Canada that were too stupid to realize they could keep going south, the geese have proved smarter than anyone would have thought possible.

I’m sure many of you are wondering why the geese are still here. I have been asking myself this since I started college. UMass put fountains into the campus pond to deter geese from settling there, and they treat it like a nice warm shower. The weather cools down, and the geese just fly laps around campus to stay warm. The Isenbros freely walk around on campus, and the geese still choose to stick around. Why the geese stay here is one of the great mysteries of the universe, but luckily for you, I have some theories.

My first theory is that the geese were planning on flying south for the winter but saw all of the Canada Goose jackets and stayed to avenge the death of their friends. It has been reported that geese have been seen making “mean” faces and “staring daggers” at students wearing Canada Goose products. It is also entirely possible that they really were just too stupid to realize that they could keep going south. After all, they can’t seem to tell themselves apart from the ducks that hang out with them.

Another theory is that the geese stayed for the party culture on campus. Think about it – where else can the geese watch students party every night of the week, or hear loud music start playing from frat houses at 5 p.m.? Florida spring break has nothing on UMass party culture.

My final and most likely theory is that the geese are part of an ongoing experiment in the biology department. I think that the biology department is genetically engineering geese to withstand the freezing temperatures of the New England winter. Does anyone really know what happens in those labs?

I spoke to self-proclaimed goose whisperer Dr. Doe Little to get to the bottom of why the geese are still here.

“Yeah, I speak to the geese all of the time,” Dr. Little explained. “They’re my friends. They really are quite nice. Sometimes I feel like they are the only ones who truly get me.” I did not continue this interview any further, but it’s clear that the geese are spending too much time at UMass.

The bottom line is that something has to change on campus. We can’t let the geese have control any more. They live rent free on campus, block off the lawn by the campus pond and don’t contribute to the campus in any way. It’s time that they start paying it forward.

Several geese seem to have already formed musical groups. All afternoon they honk in harmony by the campus pond. The key is off, but the enthusiasm is there. The geese could easily form their own a cappella group and charge for the shows to get some money for the University. There is also potential for the geese to excel in the University’s comedy group. From improv to sketch, the geese can do it all. They are already funnier than most of the members of the group.

In addition to joining clubs, there are plenty of jobs on campus that the geese could do. They could work at the Center for Counseling and Psychological Health or University Health Services. They seem to be better listeners than most doctors and it would allow more students to get the therapy they desperately need. There’s an abundance of geese, so we might as well put them to work.

I reached out to a goose who looked like the leader of the gaggle for comment on how they plan to pay it forward, but he simply replied, “hooooooooonnnnkk!” and ran at me, beak first.

It is time for change. We have lived with the squawking and chasing long enough. These geese have taken over our campus and we need to take it back before they all become Isenbirds.

Asha Baron can be reached at [email protected] and followed on Twitter @ashajbaron.