Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.
Cuffing season is in full swing at the University of Massachusetts, and the holiday season can be a very alienating time for students without a significant other to handcuff them. This Christmas, Santa has a plan to help with this long and hard time.
Mr. Claus was seen outside the Student Union tabling with a few elves to get the word out on his massive idea. He lured students in with $1 Krispy Kreme donuts (or $10 for a dozen!) and explained the less PG side of his island of misfit toys. One student, soft-more anatomy major Dill Deaux, was helplessly drawn in by the sudden desire for a glazed donut.
“It’s actually a pretty good idea, I’m incredibly lonely and I live in California, so this might be the only way I can get a white Christmas,” Deaux said.
Santa’s collection of adult toys is vast; he single-handedly (no pun intended) created an array of products. Each product was tested by Mr. and Mrs. Claus before mass-production, and the reviews were glowing.
But Santa wants to get more community engagement, so that students know they aren’t alone in being depressed and alone. So, in addition to dipping into his collection of toys, he’s bringing back the once famous sex-toy drive he used to run alongside former UMass Chancellor Craven Moorehead. Santa and Moorehead became friends in the summer of 1877 when Santa was making his practice run ahead of the holiday season. Blitzen got a cramp in the air and Santa had to make an emergency landing in just about the worst spot he possibly could: western Massachusetts.
It was that summer where Santa and Moorehead discovered a shared love for toys, and that sparked their idea to spread the love and promote a positive attitude towards masturbation. Continuing that tradition, Santa asks that students come to the Student Union on Dec. 16 with an adult toy for donation. The flyer states that, “new or gently used toys are STRONGLY preferred, but not required.”
This year’s sex-toy drive is operating in partnership with the Creating UMass Matches Society, an RSO dedicated to finding single college students life partners or quick hookups. C.U.M.S. only has a 6.9 percent success rate in its first three years, so its need for sex toys is dire.
“It’s been so long since I felt the touch of a man,” C.U.M.S. president Mona Laude said. “But men only serve one purpose and if Santa can fill that void, I’d happily let him!”
“Wait, that came out wrong, I really just meant sex toys. Please don’t put that in the story.”
The event is getting mixed reviews around campus. Some are calling it a triumph of self-pleasure, while others see no purpose for the event at all. Senior Chad Pulls, president of the frat SEX, provided a different solution to the lonely problem on campus.
“You just gotta have that W rizz, ya know?” Pulls said. Pulls proceeded to get rejected by six women following the interview; he tried to convince them he was famous because he was approached by media.
Take matters into your own hands this season with a little bit of help from old Saint Nick.
Master Bates can found in Santa’s workshop … you know why.
