Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.
The University of Massachusetts Student Government Association voted unanimously to ban the celebration of the New Year, the first day of the modern Gregorian calendar. People across the world celebrate New Year’s Day, often marked by fireworks at the stroke of midnight.
“If we don’t celebrate New Year’s Day, we can just continue staying in 2022 indefinitely,” Secretary of Holiday Management Faye R. Work, a senior studying horology (the study of time), argued. “Staying in 2022 has far more benefits than moving to 2023 — we simply do not need to hold a bunch of new elections ever again!”
A few senators questioned the logic that not celebrating New Year’s Day means staying in 2022 indefinitely. Work swiftly shot down doubts, noting that the SGA has struggled in the past to gain enough student participation in elections. “I can be Secretary forever, who doesn’t want that? But it’s not all about me. This is about the SGA and the student body in general. We can literally be remembered forever.”
Work presented an alleged “budget” that she claimed was the cost of running the yearly SGA executive elections. Written on a napkin in crayon, the “budget” showed that the annual election cost the student body $427 million last year. Many senators cried out in disgust at the figure, to which Work noted that this motion could save UMass “millions.”
UMass administration also indicated support for the motion. Vice Chancellor of New Year Operations Fleece Navidad told the SGA that the Chancellor was “okay staying in 2022.”
“Chancellor Subbaswamy regrets telling people he wants to retire. If we stay in 2022, he can stay in office without having to go back on his word,” Navidad said passionately.
Work also invited a faculty member from the Department of Horology to discuss the potential consequences of not moving forward with a new year. Department Chair Pok Etwatch presented his research showing that if a population does not move forward into a new year, their average happiness rate increases significantly.
“It is beyond clear that if students want to enjoy their college experience here at UMass, we should not move forward with a new year,” Etwatch said.
According to Etwatch’s research, a sample of five participants all reported increased happiness when Etwatch told them that they were staying in the same year. Etwatch’s research was reported to have been completed in a span from May to July 2025 and was primarily funded by a company that sells fake glasses in the shape of 2022.
Some students expressed dismay at the SGA’s motion. Liz Terine, a sophomore studying birthday party management, explained that since she was born in 2003, she would never be able to legally consume alcohol if we stayed in 2022 indefinitely.
“How am I supposed to go to the bars now?” Terine asked. “What about my Taylor Swift birthday-themed party for when I turn 22?”
Since Terine is not a member of the SGA, she was quickly removed from the meeting.
“Thank goodness I’m 21,” Work said.
Chan Cellar is the Senior Deputy Assistant Executive Editor at the Collegian, where he covers SGA drama, gossip and budget process.
