Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.
There’s always something magical in the air on campus this time of year — and no, we’re not talking about the sewage gas that billows over the recreational turf fields at 7 a.m. We’re talking about love, of course!
If you have a special someone this Valentine’s Day, you may find yourself both hard and hard-pressed to find some alone time. Fear not! We’ve found the best campus make-out hotspots so that you and yours can get hot on the spot. Because hey, a little tongue here and there never hurt anyone, and with this handy guide, you’ll be able to slip some tongue anywhere!
- Booth at Worcester Dining Commons
The Worcester booth, known as the “honeymoon suite” of the dining halls, is perfect for couples who enjoy caressing each other at 2:45 p.m. on a weekday. With the rampant seat shortage at Worcester, having a steamy make-out session in this booth stakes a claim on a table far better than any unattended UCard ever could.
That being said, the seating crisis means that it’s nearly impossible to book a reservation. For this reason, the booth is rated last on our top 10 list. Interested couples may face stiff competition for space against STEM students who enjoy splaying out their homework and taking two-hour naps.
- Southwest Residential Area bathtubs
With concrete bathrooms like those found in a Cold War-era elementary school, the Southwest Residential Area low-rises are always full of delightful surprises. For example, upon entering a women’s bathroom at Crampton Hall, I found a full-sized bathtub just waiting to be claimed.
That’s right, an off-white dorm bathtub — and they say Southwest is lacking charm! How could anyone let such a perfectly sanitary bathtub go to waste? For couples interested in getting dirty (or getting clean), this little-known attraction is the perfect place for your next romance! We rate this spot at number nine on the list, as many of our correspondents reported developing mysterious rashes after coming into contact with these tubs.
- Back of the B43 Pioneer Valley Transit Authority bus, westbound to Northampton
So long as you have valid student ID cards, you and your partner can go for a ride on this ride. It won’t be the worst thing that’s happened on the B43— we can guarantee you that! If you’re interested in creating your own Jack and Rose moment, why not try an old bus instead of an old car? After all, the B43 has the same steamy windows. If you’re lucky, you’ll end up going all the way (to the last stop at Smith College).
- W.E.B DuBois library revolving doors
Forget automatic sliding doors. Next time you’re looking for a romantic hideaway, try taking it squeaky and slow inside a revolving door compartment at the DuBois library. There’s nothing more intimate than having someone pressed against your backpack while shuffling along a semi-circle. It brings “taking it from behind” to a whole new level. With the DuBois revolving doors, you can make your next make-out session positively dizzying!
- Inside the UMass Hockey Mr. Slice costume
Ever wish that you were the one being called a “sexy goalie?” Well, now you can with the UMass Hockey Mr. Slice costume. The ice might be cold, but with this hunk of a pizza, you know the action is hot. Whatever “shooting your shot” entails this Valentine’s Day, you can count on Mr. Slice to add some spice. Now that’s what I call a hat trick!
- Curry Hicks Cage pool locker room
Doubling as the entrance to UMass’s Chamber of Secrets, the Curry Hicks Cage pool locker room could be the perfect spot for accessing your partner’s own chamber of secrets. This room is recommended for couples who enjoy the decadent aroma of chlorine, paint thinner and black mold.
Stagnant puddles of pool water reflect the exquisite fluorescent light bulbs and set the scene for romance. The best part? Nobody will ever willingly enter these locker rooms, so your privacy is guaranteed — barring, of course, the shadow creature that likes to stand in the corner, but that’s neither here nor there.
- Campus Prayer Space
For fans of “Take Me to Church” by Hozier, this campus hotspot gives a whole new meaning to getting on your knees. Need I say more?
- Under the campus pond bridge
We’ve all heard of romantic kisses on the campus pond bridge, but nobody talks about the romantic real estate below deck. Landing in our list’s top three, you and your partner can finally live out your hot goblin personas underneath the campus pond bridge. Talk about sleeping with the fishes!
Wade in and go waist-deep with the natural ambiance of snapping turtles and goose sepsis. Just make sure you’ve got a strict regimen of antibiotics on hand afterward. As an additional perk, you and your partner can also waylay unsuspecting passers-by and demand that they answer three riddles.
- Franklin Dining Commons deli line
What better way to pass the time waiting in line than a steamy make-out with the taste of Frank stir fry still on the lips? It doesn’t matter if it’s the 7 p.m. dinner rush and the deli line is viewable from half of the dining hall. With a glass of chocolate milk in one hand and your partner’s cheek in the other, you can show everyone that number one dining can’t upstage your number one love.
- Chancellor Subbaswamy’s front lawn
This Valentine’s Day, be the reason Subbaswamy retires early. Coming in at the top of our list is the Chancellor’s own front lawn. Considered the “final boss level” of make-out spots, the highly coveted lawn at Hillside is not for the casual lover but rather for ranked, competitive lovers. Only the most ambitious of couples could host their romantic romp on the Chancellor’s own dry New England crabgrass and put a happy ending on their higher education.
Petey Aeye can be found at your mom’s house.
