Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious. 

Electric scooters are a means of transportation for the wide acres at the University of Massachusetts. They’re quicker than walking and allow for students to wake up 10 minutes before class starts without worrying about being late.

But is it worth it? Is the social demise and chance of running a fellow student over worth a speedy trip to your classes? I think not. Students who use electric scooters are one of two things: lazy or an athlete. Whether it’s zipping to class or to a 6 a.m. practice, for them, electric scooters are totally worth it.

Any time you see a student riding a scooter, I can almost guarantee there’s a UMass sports logo on their attire. These athletes ride their scooters in packs resembling biker gangs. But instead of leather jackets and shiny motorcycles, it’s UMass hoodies and electric scooters. The UMass scooter gang angle their ankles toward the center of their scooters, press start and scoot around campus in their fixed formation.

We certainly wouldn’t want our beloved athletes to have to walk their muscly legs to class when they already ran a few miles that day. Walking that 10 minutes to the Integrative Learning Center would certainly break them in two.

For the rest of us, electric scooters are absolutely nothing but a nuisance.

When walk to class, there are times I hear a faint buzzing in the distance. I take out my Airpod to be sure and suddenly, I am almost run over by a student on an electric scooter. The sound of their glorified scooters haunts me in my sleep.

Unfortunately, many students have fallen victim to these reckless riders, including student Flatin Dover. “Electric scooter users have absolutely no sense of direction or awareness of their surroundings,” Dover said.

Another victim, Rhode Kil, commented, “I want compensation! I had to walk around with an arm cast for weeks because of these silly athletes looking at their phones instead of what’s in front of them.” I’m sure Kil can assert that scooter riders are truly nothing but a liability for the school.

There has always been talk of students receiving free tuition if they happen to get hit by a car. These incidents have made many students wonder if the same concept applies for scooter accidents.

Scooter riders zip around campus like it’s their own personal Mario Kart course. What these riders do not realize is that running us over doesn’t give them power-ups like in the game. All it gives them is serious stigma against their kind.

It is true that scooters are incredibly embarrassing to ride around campus.  Alternative means of transportation are obviously superior to scooter riding. Riding a bike is a classic and bike riders certainly look less ridiculous than our athletes. Using a regular skateboard is admittedly pretty cool compared to walking around campus.

Overall, electric scooter users have severe superiority complexes and a complete lack of knowledge for the people around them. Many students can confirm that electric scooter users should be put at the very bottom of the societal hierarchy here at UMass.

Julia Bragg can be reached at [email protected]