Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical and is meant for humorous purposes only. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.

For students at the University of Massachusetts, the campus bathroom – and the business that occurs there – is sacred and cherished. The campus bathroom is an oasis. A safe space. The object of our collective desire.

At the University’s Student Union building, hundreds of students from all walks of life pass through the porcelain gates every day. The humble toilet is a monument to our shared human experience, often a site of deep reflection, thought and candor. It provides a great escape, in more ways than one. Finally, peace at last…

So then why the f**k is there always some f***ing strand of pubic hair on the toilet seat every time I go to use it. I mean, come on. Does it have to be every time?

I know I’m not the only one. Students across campus have reported that they are getting “real sick and tired of having to brush a single pubic hair off the toilet seat every time they try to sit down to use it.”

It’s a commonplace trauma. You enter the stall, unzip your jeans, then suddenly, you’re met with the villainous piece of forensic evidence. Blink and you’ll miss it, which is even worse. The hair just sits there, laughing at you, holding the toilet seat hostage.

“I don’t want to touch it, but what else am I supposed to do?” exclaimed Holden Megroyn, an exasperated student. “I’ve done it all. I’ve tried to fan it away with my hands. I’ve crouched down and tried to blow it off.”

Megroyn put his head in his hands.

“Yes. I’ve literally blown on the toilet seat,” he lamented.

These incidents beg the question: Who is responsible for the offensive remains? We may never find the culprits. Until we do, these stray hairs will continue to haunt students, preying on them within environments where they are at their most vulnerable.

Everyone’s hygiene preferences are their own business. I get that. But we’re begging you – when you use the campus bathrooms, please keep it in your pants.

Günther Pübis can be reached by simply being open to the possibility.