A buoyant campus that 22,000 undergraduate students call home has gone silent. Accompanied by a stolen emblem and a suspect still at large, it’s no wonder students at the University of Massachusetts are left utterly speechless.
Andrew Peters—better known as the “Didgeridude” for his languid, campus-wide bellows from his majestic, Australian horn—reported a theft of his iconic and beloved didgeridoo to the Amherst Police Department this Saturday morning.
After filing the report, Peters held a press conference in an upscale trailer parked in lot 22 to address the campus-wide tragedy.
With a quiver in his voice and tears birthed from injustice flowing down his face, Peters stated, “I’m asking all of you to be as strong as you possibly can in this time of grievance we are faced with today. We are left with no option but to rest our faith in our flawless system of due process, where we are guaranteed justice will be served. Unite, U-strong, UMass.”
Following Peters’ address, the entire Pioneer Valley erupted in unmitigated dismay. The cries of infants could be heard from as far as Boston and New York City, shaking the ground that once harmoniously vibrated from the ethereal sounds of the didgeridoo.
Found in the fetal position just outside lot 22, senior Frederick Frederickson, pursuing a bachelor’s degree with individual concentration in kayak engineering, while choking on his tears, managed to spit out, “I had to walk away from the one true hero at our University without being able to offer any solutions. I can’t possibly see how we can ever recover from such an immense tragedy. Someone, please carry me back to my dorm room in Sylvan—I’ve become paralyzed with anguish.”
Promptly reacting to the tragedy, UMass chancellor Kumble Subbaswamy proposed the erection of a fountain “entirely composed of empty Four Lokos in the shape of a didgeridoo” in the center of the campus pond to pay tribute to the “lost melodies.”
Until further notice, the UMass Council of Elders has canceled all tailgates, sporting events, “darties” and “anything the Didgeridude would usually show up at.”
Emerging out of the low-fi crevices of the central residential area of campus, a niche group of students has risen up and formed a coalition titled “Didgeri-U” with the hopes of bringing the instrument back home.
Edna Cation, Didgeri-U leader and a sophomore education major, stated, “In this time of sorrow, we are asking the offender to come forward for the sanity and security of the school. We have created a GoFundMe asking students to donate their dining dollars and laundry quarters as a reward to anyone who has information on the whereabouts of the didgeridoo.”
When asked about any leads on the culprit, Cation responded, “We’ve had a few tips, mostly pointing to a red-haired man with a mask dressed in striped pajamas, more commonly known as the Hamburglar. However, when stopped on campus, the only things found in his pockets were multiple ketchup-less hamburgers from the early 2000s with no receipt.”
Billy Fishkins can be found at your local Dunkin Donuts at all hours.
