Satire: The reputation of UMass is falling apart

How can we ‘Be Revolutionary’ if we’re not number one?

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McKenna Premus / Daily Collegian

By Asha Baron, Collegian Satire Columnist

Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.

The world is coming to an end. The ground we walk on is crumbling beneath us. In short, all is not well with the world.

Our campus community is falling apart. The reputation of the University of Massachusetts has been declining over the past several weeks. If the chancellor doesn’t do something soon, the integrity of our campus will forever be tainted in the eyes of the public.

UMass is no longer ranked number one.

Chaos ensued on campus last week after it was announced that The Princeton Review released its annual college dining ranking. In the wake of the unprecedented times brought about by the COVID-19 pandemic, The Princeton Review decided not to do rankings.

Students are experiencing an increase in stress and anxiety levels after telling their friends and family they no longer have the best dining in the country. The Massachusetts Daily Collegian reporters spoke to UMass sophomore Vanna Meter, who said, “How am I supposed to tell people I came here on the basis of UMass being number one? How am I supposed to brag to my friends about the mediocre options at our number one dining halls if they’re not number one anymore?”

In light of these new discoveries, a state of frenzy has settled over the UMass outreach department as it scrambles to try and revise its outreach meeting. We spoke with UMass senior Berke Shire, who works as a tour guide for UMass Undergraduate Admissions. When asked how he felt about the change in rankings, Shire remarked, “What am I going to tell the students on their college tours? What even is UMass without number one dining?!”

As if losing its number one dining wasn’t bad enough, the UMass hockey team also lost its first game of the season. In a shocking turn of events, last year’s hockey champions fell to rock bottom. The Minutemen hockey team (last year’s champions) lost to Minnesota State (not last year’s champions). Daily Collegian reporters spoke with Sam the Minuteman, who was present for the entire game. “It’s downright embarrassing. I don’t think I can ever show my face in front of Gody Gopher again,” he said.

Extreme measures are being taken to ensure that UMass remains number one. In an attempt to secure UMass’ spot as number one worst football team in the country, UMass football coach Balt Well has implemented reverse pep talks as an extra precaution before all UMass football games. “The best way I can explain it is we basically kick them while they’re already down,” Well explained when asked about his reverse pep talks.

Unfortunately, these precautions were short-lived. A week after the hockey team’s first loss of the season, the UMass football team won their most recent game against the University of Connecticut, officially allowing UConn to take the spot for number one worst college football program.

When asked to comment on the results of the game, Well said, “The one time I needed them to play poorly, they had to go and do well. They just had to go and be good for once.” Well refused to comment any further but was seen screaming and popping footballs behind the field shortly after our reporters conducted this interview.

The Collegian attempted to secure more interviews, but the football players were too busy celebrating with the 10 students who rushed the field after the game. Sam the Minuteman refused to comment on the football game but was spotted shortly after the game cyberbullying several members of the football team.

It appears that University faculty are still in denial about the rapid collapse of the school. “Being number one is overrated anyways,” a staff member said when asked about the plunge in University rankings.

It’s time for Chancellor Subbaswamy to step up and take action. The reputation of UMass is plunging at rates never seen before. If we don’t act soon, UMass will be the butt of all college jokes.

But hey, at least we’ve got Isenberg!

Asha Baron can be reached at [email protected]