Satire: Students need to dress less appropriately for cold weather

New England college students are simply built different

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McKenna Premus / Daily Collegian

By Kelly McMahan, Collegian Satire Columnist

Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. Most interviews and individuals are fictitious.

November is coming to an end and the cold weather is just getting started.

In response to the recent string of 30-degree days, many students at the University of Massachusetts are donning their winter coats, hats, scarves and gloves to stay toasty.

Coincidentally, many students at UMass are also a bunch of posers. If these students wanted to call themselves real New Englanders, they would be trekking across campus in the most honorable of winter attire: a t-shirt and a pair of shorts.

Due to over-inflamed concerns of “flu season” and “hypothermia,” this age-old tradition of wearing downright inappropriate clothing during wintertime is dying out.

Luckily, if you look hard enough, there’s still some students out there keeping it alive.

Thurman Meter, a junior studying environmental science, recalls watching students walk across campus to the fraternity Iota Super Lameda.

“The wind chill was around 11 degrees, and they were wearing tank tops and shorts,” Meter said. “To be fair, I haven’t seen any frats with a coat check, so I guess you either put up with the cold or you have to tie your coat around your waist like it’s a middle school dance.”

Helen Oliveira, a freshman international student from Brazil, remarked on the difficulties of adjusting to Massachusetts’ cold climate.

“I overheard my roommate talking about how some days can get down to two degrees, so I asked her ‘you mean like, two degrees Celsius, right?’ She just stared at me and shook her head sadly,” Oliveira said. “Frankly, I am terrified.”

Lindsey L. Bean, a freshman computer science major who got absolutely snubbed by her advisor and now has an 8 a.m. lab across campus, discussed the ordeal of cold mornings on campus.

“The wind around Du Bois is absolutely ridiculous,” Bean said. “Even the peregrine falcons don’t want to come out. And yet there’s always this same dude that just nonchalantly walks by wearing basketball shorts and drinking a Roots iced coffee.”

Bean says that this “dude” often wears a New England Patriots winter hat.

“Which drives me absolutely insane because that’s what you’re putting effort into wearing?” Bean complained. “A hat? I’m sorry, that just doesn’t make any sense. I can’t believe these people even exist.”

Well, you better believe they exist because we recently interviewed Matthew Mejail, a completely nonfictional freshman public health major in the Commonwealth Honors College, about his experiences being a “shorts guy.”

“I enjoy the looks of horror on people’s faces as they walk by,” Mejail said. “Once you’re the shorts guy, it’s hard to not be the shorts guy. There is an expectation that you will continue to be the shorts guy.”

When asked if he was “built different,” Mejail said that he was.

Studies have pointed to the possibility that students wear shorts in the wintertime to affirm their identity as New Englanders.

“I think it takes more than just wearing shorts to be a New Englander, but it’s certainly a part of our identity,” Mejali said. “I think the resilience that’s inherent to shorts kids is something that’s inherent to the New England area.”

In response to increased outrage and disbelief, Mejail shared an earnest message to all the students on campus who wake up every morning and decide against wearing shorts.

“Some people talk about how every day we make individual decisions that end up shaping the rest of our lives, so why do you keep making the wrong one?”

Kelly McMahan can be reached at [email protected].