Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

Satire: It’s time for UMass to Join Smith and Mt. Holyoke in the seven sisters

Who even needs men anyways?
Collegian File Photo

Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.

As the winter semester is coming to an end, many eyes are on colleges across the country as overbearing parents look into colleges for their children. With the University of Massachusetts currently accepting applicants for the class of 2026, now is the time to make some changes.

The men have to go.

Of course, the male gender is “necessary in society” and is, in theory, a good idea. But, when applied to the real world, there are many negative implications with regards to men. Our Massachusetts Daily Collegian reporters have discovered that if you go up to any random girl and ask her about a negative experience with a man, she will have plenty to say. It is time to enact change.

Freshman Faye Minism claims she had a negative experience with Freshman Jack Kauff, honors college student and self-proclaimed “Isen-bro”. According to Minism, she received a tip from an anonymous source that Kauff was speaking about her behind her back to his friends. She told reporters that he claimed she was one of seven girls lusting after him and that she couldn’t take a hint that he wasn’t interested from his one-word text message response.

“He literally sent me several paragraph long messages and double texted me twice,” said Minism, showing reporters the essays that Kauff sent. “Tell me where the one word response is?”

We reached out to psychologist Dr. Apt from the Center for Counseling and Psychological Health to speak about this sort of behavior. “These kinds of guys are very common on college campuses,” Dr. Apt said. “They believe that any girl who talks to them is madly in love with them and spends every waking moment of her life trying to get their attention.”

Upon hearing this report from Dr. Apt, Minism said, “Wait, there are only seven girls who have talked to him?”

Sophomore theater major So Dun also had a similar experience with Junior Willie Stopp. According to Dun, Stopp flirted with every girl in their Math 131 class, but then would talk about how much he missed his ex-girlfriend. Dun also claimed that Stopp is a very judgmental person.

“He told me the other day that I should consider pursuing a ‘real major’ instead of theater while he was jamming out to Taylor Swift,” Dun said. “How’s he going to tell me not to pursue art while consuming it at the same time? Logic really just went right out the window there.”

“This is a classic case of a ‘superiority complex,’” Dr. Apt explained. “Really the only solution is to torment them so much that they get knocked back to an inferiority complex. That’s much easier to deal with.”

If this isn’t enough to convince you that the male gender is obsolete, the next story will.

Junior Syc Antired has had many problems with self-proclaimed “man-splainer” Jay Walker. Antired claimed that Walker thinks it’s okay to make inappropriate sexual comments towards women because “it’s just a habit.” Once they tell him it’s not, he asks women to help him break that habit.

When asked to comment on this, Walker said, “I was just joking. Honestly, it seems like she can be pretty sensitive sometimes, so I wouldn’t be too concerned.”

Upon telling Walker reporters would be speaking with Dr. Apt for this article, he insisted he be present to make sure she knew what she was doing. Throughout the course of the interview, Walker referred to Dr. Apt exclusively as “sweetheart,” interrupted her seven times and told her that her people skills would make her a great secretary one day.

At this point reporters had to restrain Dr. Apt, and themselves, from punching Walker. After leaving the interview, Dr. Apt sat in her office drinking hand sanitizer while Walker asked reporters if it was “that time of the month.”

Are these the kind of people we want walking around campus, representing UMass in its endeavors? There is little use for having them on campus. If we simply replace them with trash cans around campus, we will have a much more clean and enjoyable campus. Other than the lack of sexism, one would hardly notice a difference.

It’s time that UMass rids itself of the male gender. If we ever want to cleanse ourselves of our immature reputation, the guys need to go. Why not send them to Hampshire College to straighten them out? Send men back to where they belong.

Asha Baron can be reached at [email protected].

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