Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

Satire: Co-Star astrology app a direct cause of chaos and unrest in student body

Jupiter is in retrograde and my life is in shambles
Collegian File Photo

Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.

Astrology fanatics everywhere know that a star chart is created by determining the alignment of celestial bodies at the location and time where an individual was born. Reputable sources, such as the skater girls hanging out by Central’s graffiti staircase, say that star charts have been concretely proven to determine both personal characteristics and social habits.

When asked for his thoughts on this relationship between human activity and planetary movement, University of Massachusetts senior lecturer of astrophysics Will Mye said, “What? No. That’s stupid.”

Regardless of what some lame nerd professor thinks, Co-Star, a new app that generates horoscopes, has been ripping through campus at UMass.

Co-Star horoscopes aren’t your average “love is right around the corner”-type predictions. Banu Guler, creator of Co-Star and the “Zuckerberg of astrology,” made sure to program merciless, manifesting-from-the-Metaverse horoscopes that go directly for the throat.

We interviewed freshman physics major Percy O’Ryan about his personal experiences with the app.

“I originally downloaded it because all the girls on my floor were using it. But the horoscopes …  they haunt me.” O’Ryan explained, curled in a fetal position on the floor of his dorm room, “I mean just today, this one says ‘You are a hollow shell of the man you used to be. You cannot escape from the downward spiral of moral compromises that you make every day. You have an inability to achieve self-respect in any way that matters. You have nothing to believe in anymore.’” 

“What should I be feeling? Catharsis? Existential dread? I don’t even know. I’m so confused.”

Another feature of Co-Star is the inclusion of daily lists of three random “Dos” and three random “Don’ts.”

“I was having a terrible week.” explained computer science major Anne Dromeda, “so I turned to my Dos and Don’ts list to see if I could get any advice.”

Dromeda said that her Dos list stated, “DO: ruminate, overthink mistakes, listen to your Mitski playlist.”

“I came to Co-Star to get some advice on how to feel better, but it’s trying to make me even sadder!” Dromeda lamented. “Also, how does it know about my Mitski playlist … nobody is supposed to know about my Mitski playlist.”

Dromeda said that she had considered deleting the app because of its algorithm’s negativity.

“But then the next day, my Dos and Don’ts list said, “DON’T DO: delete any apps, autonomy, think freely,” and then “DO: beware, lock your doors, beg for forgiveness.” To be honest, I feel very threatened right now. I am scared to delete the app. Not only do I think it’s sentient, but I think it’s mad at me,” Dromeda confessed.

Sophomore biology major Cassie Opeya says that Co-Star wreaks havoc on interpersonal relationships as well.

“If you follow your friends’ charts on the app, you’ll start to get social horoscopes,” Opeya said. “Which is a problem when the app generates a daily list of people that you need to apparently avoid.”

“For example, my bio lab partner and I are on each other’s avoid lists today. Co-Star says “You and Julia are having trouble understanding each other right now. Symbolically, her heart is a soft yarn blanket on a spring day and yours is a plastic Walmart bag caught on a tree branch. Her Libra sensibilities are at odds with your inherent Aquarius failures and shortcomings.” Opeya read, “First of all, ouch. Second of all, this is a big problem because now she’s been completely avoiding me. We literally have a project due tomorrow.”

Luckily, Co-Star tries to redeem itself by simultaneously encouraging people to spend quality time with one another.

Best friends TJ Leo and Capris Corne talk about how Co-Star has been suggesting fun activities.

“Oh yeah, lots of fun stuff,” Leo said. “For example, we’ve gotten suggestions about writing handwritten letters to each other, painting each other’s portraits, committing grand larceny, I mean the list goes on and on.”

“I mean we’ve already done a few of them. We did the one where we had to hotwire someone’s car. That was cool. I don’t know whose car it was, but it’s parked out back now. Apparently, we’re both impulsive and free-spirited because of the Sagittarius moon.” Corne laughed. “Wait, this interview is off the record, right?”

“Co-Star is so worth the hype.” Leo said.  “I love Co-Star. The only thing I wish I could change about it is my profile picture. The default is set to this artsy black and white photo of a sculptured left ass cheek. I don’t know how I feel about that. I mean, why just the left one? Whose is it? I’ve tried to change it multiple times but it just keeps coming back.”

It doesn’t seem like the astrology craze is dying down anytime soon. Until then, you better start manifesting for forgiveness, lest Co-Star chooses you as its next victim.

Kelly McMahan can be reached at [email protected].

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