Late Tuesday night, University of Massachusetts Police Department received reports that the entire length of a serving spoon, even the handle part, fell completely into the hummus at the University of Massachusetts’ esteemed Harvest Market. Students and staff gathered around the scene, genuinely confused with how to proceed with their nights. The Daily Collegian sent a team of reporters to investigate the situation.
UMass freshman engineering major Disah Poynted was first to the scene of the crime. Our Collegian Harvest Market beat reporter found the disgruntled freshman with her head buried into her hands nearby.
“I got to the hummus station expecting to add the perfect tangy chickpea dip to my night,” said Poynted. “And then I saw it…the whole spoon, even the handle, was just suspended in the dip.”
Poynted is a prime suspect in UMPD’s case on this, obviously.
“Everyone’s hand germs have touched that handle, they might as well have all put their hands in the hummus,” said Poynted. “Roasted Red Pepper Hummus? More like Student Hand Hummus!”
Let the record show that none of the reporters laughed to remain objective, but also because it wasn’t that funny. We spoke with UMPD’s private investigator Dippy Doogler, who is working the case.
“I’ve been to Harvest before when the spoon handle is kinda in the dips, but this time it was like fully in the dip,” said Doogler. “Almost like someone found it in the dip, used the spoon to scoop some hummus, and then put it back even further in the dip. It was aggressive, even vengeful.”
Our reporters asked Dippy if he questioned Poynted about if it was her who did this, which he noted was a pretty good idea, and that he “wishes he thought of that.”
Another student to report this crime against nature was sophomore psychology major Whynota Thasalsa, who was devastated to find this.
“I didn’t know what to do. I considered putting my hand in the hummus, to try to retrieve the spoon, but then I’d get my hand all hummusy,” said Thasalsa. “I can’t say it was my first time having a hummusy hand, but I’m not exactly in a rush to get it a hummusy hand again.
We asked Thasalsa for more clarification on what she meant by getting her hand all “hummusy.”
“You know, like hummusy? Like covered in hummus? What if I ran into a colleague and had to shake their hand, and I had to explain that I dipped my hand in the Harvest hummus trough because the spoon fell in. That’s like professional suicide.”
The Collegian reporters unanimously agreed. Detective Dippy Doogler was seen around the corner during our interview listening with a can attached to a string.
Our reporters also reached out to the Harvest student employee Iyhade Myjahb, who was working when the crime occurred.
“Yea, I definitely wasn’t gonna clean that up, that was pretty gross. I mean, yea I’m a student employee, but I don’t want hummusy hands,” said Myjahb. “We basically just threw out the entire container. I mean, I didn’t really know what else to do.”
The hummus station will remain closed until further notice.
Stickhead McGeee is a Morning Wood correspondent and can be reached behind the Blue Wall trash bins.
