The University of Massachusetts is beginning construction on a new training facility which will bear the name of the school mascot, Sam the Minuteman. This facility will “Train the will, spirit, and efficiency of tomorrow’s Minutemen and Minutewomen,” according to the official press release. Many student athletes have expressed joy at the announcement.

“I’m just honestly really excited for a place that will help train both my spirit and physical ability,” sophomore power-forward Bahs Kett-Ball said. “It seems like competitive spirit is something important to work on.”

But Kett-Ball and other athletes may be in for a shock when they learn of this new facility’s true purpose. The name of “Sam the Minuteman” training facility is more than just an homage to the beloved mascot. This facility specializes in revolutionary war minuteman training, something that Massachusetts is synonymous with.

After learning of the true nature of the facility, Kett-Ball could not be reached for comment.

“I think this is important to teach our next generations the way of the Minuteman,” Sam the Minuteman said, shocking the world with his first words. “It’s something that’s been lost in the 20-or so generations since Paul Revere made his fateful ride on horseback.”

Yes, the ways of the Minuteman have been lost, but did they need to come back?

“I think that this may be a waste of money”, Rich A. Lumni said. “I have no problem supporting my alma mater, but do we really need to teach our students a technique that hasn’t been used in just under 250 years?”

Lumni’s feelings are shared throughout the UMass community, as the construction of this new facility will cost upwards of $10 million.

“I feel as though my tuition cost could be going to something that will be more useful to the entire student body,” one student who wished to remain anonymous said. “Sometimes Berk runs out of forks, but we can afford a new Minuteman training facility?”

But for every voice that is against the construction of this building, there is another that is strongly for it and what it stands for.

“I think it is important that we teach our students the history of the Minuteman, and the training that they had to go through,” Histor Ybuff said. “It will do some good for these students to learn the quickness and efficiency that the minuteman actually had.”

In a recent press conference, the Minuteman addressed concerns that this new facility, which many have called “pointless” and a “horrible idea,” would not make the money it cost to build it over time.

“Minuteman classes will be offered through the OMLeagues app, right next to all of the other classes, like spinning and yoga,” the Minuteman said. “Through time, people will begin to sign up for this class and it will ingratiate into our campus culture.”

Sam the Minuteman may be correct in this assertion, as despite the facility not opening until fall semester 2023, there is already a 3,000 student waitlist for “Sam’s Minuteman class”, as it is called. I reached out to previous sources to see if their opinion had changed.

“My friends signed up for the class to see what it would be like, so I decided to join them,” Kett-Ball said. “I was disappointed when I originally learned what the new building would be for, but now I’m excited.”

Kett-Ball’s change of opinion is shared by many of his fellow students, some excited just to see what the class is like, or just to laugh at the sheer absurdity of it all. Through it all, the Minuteman has kept the same mantra.

“This will be something that UMass will be known for,” the Minuteman said. “I’ll make sure of it.”

Construction is slated to begin in June 2022.

Jack Hoff can be reached at [email protected] and followed on Twitter @JackHoffTroller.