Happy Ending: Incoming Chancellor Buster Cherry appoints Vice Chancellor of Advancement Elon Musk

Musk promises to cut workforce by 95 percent over two weeks, citing budgetary concerns

Nina+Walat%2F+Daily+Collegian+%282021%29

Nina Walat/ Daily Collegian (2021)

By Willie B. Hardigan, Happy Ending Correspondent

Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and portrayals of individuals are fictitious.

Newly appointed Chancellor Buster Cherry announced that Elon Musk, owner of Tesla and Twitter, will join him in his new administration as the vice chancellor of advancement at the University of Massachusetts.

Musk pledged to retain his positions at Tesla and Twitter, declaring he will still be able to foster terrible working conditions and illegally fire staff while working at his new post at the University.

“I’m excited and deeply honored that Mr. Cherry has allowed me to join him on this incredible journey to transform UMass into something greater — a beacon of free speech, individual rights and limited intervention into student affairs,” Musk said at a press conference.

Musk’s first course of action, by decree of Mr. Cherry, was to cut 95 percent of UMass’ workforce over the next two weeks, leaving fewer than 100 workers remaining. Among these workers include Dining Hall Manager Phil Mahole, Student Government Association Head of Head Ben Dover and University of Massachusetts Police Department Grand Inquisitor Rusty Butts.

When contacted for comment, UMass Spokesperson Neil Anblomi relayed Musk’s previous comments: “Mr. Musk has said time and time again: the economic picture for our university is dire. UMass will not survive the upcoming economic downturn without these drastic measures.”

Further action by Musk and Cherry will include subscribing all official UMass Twitter accounts to Twitter Blue, with Musk promising a one-dollar discount per account. Musk also is determined to make Twitter the main vessel of communication between faculty members and the student body, maintaining that Twitter’s direct messaging services will be able to handle 28,000 students in one chat.

Cherry and Musk have also pledged to remove all other Vice Chancellor positions across UMass’ leadership, apart from the Vice Chancellor of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion — a position they announced will be filled by rapper Ye, formerly known as Kanye West.

“We believe that Ye has shown all the attributes of a man who is dedicated to the advancement of diversity and inclusion of our minority members of the UMass community, and he has personally conveyed his commitment to the advancement of religious groups on campus,” Musk said at his press conference.

Ye, who was at the press conference sporting a black facial mask, was not allowed to speak nor was his microphone activated, but still proclaimed over the yelling of hundreds of reporters that Nick Fuentes and Milo Yiannopoulos would be joining him as advisors in his post. This remark was muffled after Cherry reportedly started repeatedly yelling “La la la la la la,” at the top of his lungs.

In terms of what Musk will be “advancing” in his new position as Vice Chancellor of Advancement, the specifics are still unclear. All that Musk has listed as his priorities are the alienation of all alumni and potential advertisers, as well as ceasing all philanthropic donations to charities and foundations.

When pressed for reasoning on this controversial move, Musk claimed, “We don’t want UMass to be considered biased towards one group of people over another; we wouldn’t want to be seen as a corporation that prioritizes the needs of one group, like terminally ill children, over those of another, like rich white men.”

The move by Chancellor Buster Cherry to appoint Musk to a leadership role is unprecedented in the history of UMass, perhaps only being matched by former Chancellor Craven Morehead appointing former president Andrew Johnson to the position of Vice Chancellor of Reconstruction in 1872.

Willie B. Hardigan can be found only on Tweeter @ElonStan.