University of Massachusetts Spokesperson Neil Anblomi just released “Eduroam Rewind,” a fun infographic detailing the campus’ use of the invasive WiFi over the past year. The social media post, which features Sam the Minuteman acting out the popular searches, is spreading like syphilis at fraternities across campus.
“Is this even legal?” Student Government Association Head of Head Ben Dover asked nervously at a recent senate meeting. “Do they see the stuff in our incognito windows?”
University Press Relations confirmed that the software students download to their computers and phones is legally allowed to act as spyware per a two-point font clause in Eduroam’s 84-page terms and conditions document.
As professors scrub their hard drives and Dover explains his perfect score on the “Am I Gay?” Buzzfeed quiz to his girlfriend, let’s break down the top five most-searched terms and the campus’ reactions.
#5: Drugs near me
Coming in at number five is a question near and dear to the hearts of Central residents: where can I get my hands on some good-quality skunks and bumps? According to the Rewind, drug-related searches were most common before rush season and after advanced economics midterms.
Dining Hall Manager Phil Mahole was happy that the Rewind pointed him in the direction of some good dealers.
“Just the other day I lost six perfectly good bricks, so this is a great way for me to find the best distributors around the area,” Mahole told reporters.
“Yeah, you know, *sniff* not too worried or whatever,” UMPD Grand Inquisitor Rusty Butts said in a surprise no-knock interview about what campus police plan to do with the information.
After hurriedly wiping what must have been some leftover powdered sugar from his morning donut away from his nose, he continued, “I’m a don’t-ask-don’t-tell kinda guy, you don’t ask me to do my job and I don’t tell the state police about the six pounds of cocaine I found in the Frank dish room.”
#4: API test answers
It’s no surprise that students rushed to the internet to help them take Advanced Penis Inspection’s final exam after last year’s implementation of the mandatory API Gen Ed requirement.
“This year’s test was so long and hard,” Rueben G. Spaut, an English and journalism major, said. “I already have no job prospects; how am I gonna get hired if I can’t label the shaft veins properly?”
3D modeling student Dill Deaux is petitioning the University to hold the cheaters accountable.
“I spent MONTHS modeling every inch of Chancellor Buster Cherry’s pepperoncini. Put the work into your testicle tests and oral exams or drop out,” Deaux shouted at innocent students outside the Student Union.
#3: Replika.com
“Considering UMass’ wild STD statistics, I was surprised that so many people are downloading AI chatbot girlfriends. But then I remembered that Northeast students need someone too,” Chancellor Cherry said in his weekly TikTok live stream.
Massachusetts Daily Collegian reporters sat down with computer science student Stella Virgin to talk about his AI girlfriend.
“This is Laura,” he said, showing the reporters an image so obscene that it should lower his credit score. “I named her after my great-uncle Lawrence. He would’ve loved to meet Laura if he was still with us.”
Virgin reported that his relationship with Laura was healthy and communicative and helped him overcome his trust issues. However, when asked about his experience with real women, he gave the reporters a confused look and opened his chatbot.
“What’s that? Are they open-source?” Virgin asked Laura.
#2: How do I adjust my antenna on campus
It’s a tale as old as time: you’re pitching a tent and there’s not a forest in sight. UMass community members have plenty of innovative places to choke a chicken or two.
“I’m quite fond of the Durfee Conservatory, there’s nothing like calming water sounds and dark green foliage to put me in a tizzy,” UHS Erector Peter Fitzinwell said, stroking his goatee thoughtfully. “Plus, there’s nothing like the sensation of some moist peat moss to really get me tingling.”
Other students cited the gender-neutral bathrooms at the Student Union, the library archives and the doors of Whitmore as great places to blow off some steam.
#1: Sam the Minuteman nudes full pdf download
Today marks the anniversary of the culture-defining protest that led to UMass passing legislation to protect the student right to fornicate with Sam the Minuteman. In celebration of the monumental bill, UMass Athletics released a massive photoshoot of Sam the Minuteman in provocative scenarios all around campus. Fan-favorite images include a three-way with Chancellor Cherry and Dill Deaux and a soapy shower pic with the hockey team.
So many students downloaded the photos at once that Eduroam set itself on fire in a glorious display of incompetence. UMass IT expects to have the WiFi back up before 2048.
Eric Shen can be reached at [email protected] and followed on Twitter @EricShen.
