Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

Satire: UMass dining is finally named No. 1

New honor never before seen in UMass history
Alec Zabrecky
Alec Zabrecky/Daily Collegian (2015)

The University of Massachusetts has been nationally ranked number one for campus dining, for the first time ever! The dining commons here are well known for their groundbreaking food. Most notably, the perfectly bone-dry chicken, not to mention the hamburgers that definitely do not resemble the hockey pucks utilized by the Massachusetts hockey team. Are we sure those didn’t get mixed up? Maybe that could explain the lack of wins.

For many years, the University has experimented with different recipes until they found what worked the best. In the end, a secret ingredient was developed to improve these dishes. Depending on which dining commons you go to, this super special secret ingredient can range anywhere from rats to cockroaches. They really do add that special taste that makes UMass dishes stand out from those available at other colleges.

To show their pride for being named number one, the University has many plans to grab the attention of students who don’t know that they go to a college with the best dining. This includes advertising UMass Dining at sports games every time there is even the slightest break in action, tossing snazzy t-shirts into the stands to allow students the chance to show off their pride of going to a university that is better known for its dining than its academics, and plastering “UMass No. 1 Dining” anywhere they can across campus.

These plans are sure to work; sophomore Frank Lynn excitedly told me that he can’t wait to wear his UMass Dining shirt wherever he goes. Lynn went on to say, “This shirt is the best one I own! And don’t let anyone tell you that cockroaches are bad for business, they really do add that perfect crunch to the stir-fry.” You heard it here first, folks!

Another student, John Woo, claims that the food is the only reason why his younger brother is planning on applying here. Unnamed officials predict that applications to UMass will rise 50 percent due to this new accomplishment, allowing them to admit tens of thousands of more students than they were able to previously. They do admit that they don’t have plans for housing to support this new increase in admissions, however. Who needs to worry about that? Students will find a way to attend the University just for the number one dining, like Woo’s little brother already plans to do.

Now that the news is out, it is expected that alumni and students will celebrate in the way that only UMass knows how to do. Expect the streets to be crowded with Minutemen and Minutewomen as they show their pride in their university for getting the recognition it deserves. Also expect this award to go to UMass every year after this; we are well known for our consistency.

Further updates related only to dining can be found on the UMass Dining website, because those are the only updates that matter on this campus. Don’t forget to visit every dining commons available and judge your friends on the ones they think are the best.

Katie Seda can be reached at [email protected] and followed on Twitter @KatieSeda_.

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    Jayson StinsonMay 11, 2023 at 12:08 am

    We can also talk bout over worked employees that are underpaid. the Discrimination that goes on throughout the dining Commons.. all this illegal work force tactics just to be # 1 dining, #JustBeinHonest,