Ahh, nothing quite like the feeling of being ‘back’ after a year-long hiatus. I feel like Nelly Furtado, minus the awesome body and penchant for huge hoop earrings. Also, if I ever published a comeback album I probably would not name it ‘Loose’, mainly because, oh I don’t know, there are about a bajillion other words out there to choose from, but whatever.

Celebrity gossip has been really dramatic this summer, and to be honest I don’t know why everyone’s choosing this time of the year to get all their crazy out. Seriously, people; Kim Kardashian and Kanye getting together, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher breaking up, Megan Fox being all pregnant, Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth getting engaged, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Or at least it’s all the news I had the patience to actually sit back and remember.

I couldn’t possibly cover all this in one blog post, so let’s talk about last week. In case you’ve been under a rock or just have more of a life than I do, you may have heard about Adele announcing on her website that she’s pregnant. As the only person on the planet who just isn’t really into Adele, I was immediately intrigued by what sounded like the second immaculate conception. Homegirl never seems to be standing next to a man on the red carpet (something I personally adore but, you know, not the way to make a baby).  Naturally, I summoned the powers of the internet and within minutes learned that she is in fact not single. She’s dating Simon Konecki, a completely irrelevant dude – EXCEPT THAT HE’S NOT EVEN. He’s the founder of Life Water! Seriously, how do people like Adele and Simon even meet? And even though he looks like the type of guy you’d try not to sit next to on the bus, I can’t say I don’t envy that baby’s life.

Another little treat of gossip revolves around Jessica Simpson, who I’m surprised hasn’t announced any Discovery Channel specials focusing on her body’s superhuman gestational capabilities. Seriously, when People Magazine did that special on Jessica’s baby photos, I was expecting to see her standing beside a full grown human. Anyway, she gave birth on May 1st, and I guess she signed this multi-million deal with Weight Watchers to lose 50 pounds in 5 months. Now people are buzzing about how she doesn’t seem to be losing the weight, or is complaining about how hard it is to lose. All speculation, but the gossip is out there.

Time for some real-talk: I’m all for people shutting up about women’s post-pregnancy bodies, but if $4 million isn’t enough to make you lose 50 pounds in 5 months, what is? I would literally eat like, a blended mixture of leaves, grass, and twigs if it helped me lose weight so I could get millions of dollars in return. Are you kidding me? I guess she has enough money for this not to be a concern, but if that’s the case, then maybe now would even be a good time for her to, oh I DON’T KNOW, do some sort of charity-pledge where she loses it in time and donates it to a women-centric cause.

I can’t even. Let’s just skip ahead.

Finally, the one piece of gossip that you absolutely can’t even avoid hearing about: Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise divorcing. The two started dating in 2005, got married in 2006, and I love how everyone’s pretending to be oh-so-surprised, like Hollywood couples don’t do this daily or anything. I mean, they even had the classic  publicist statement of “this is a personal and private matter” (as literally everyone else reads that and goes, HAAAAAAAA!). And the slideshows, oh the slideshows! “A look back into the marriage”, “Best red carpet looks”, “From TomKat to Divorce”. All these slideshows tell me is that for a celebrity couple – one of whom is a Scientologist for crying out loud – these two are pretty boring. I wanted to see some pentagrams, public intoxication, or at least a shot of Tom accidentally leaving the house wearing an article of Katie’s clothing. Maybe they’re just bored with each other. Maybe the divorce is actually very drama-infused and emotional. Maybe they were just running out of couches (c’mon now, you had to be expecting that joke).

That’s all for this week. Celebrate the upcoming holiday by upholding the classic American traditions of drinking at a bonfire with friends and loved ones, sitting on a grass field watching fireworks, or at least stepping out of a limo with no underwear on.