Celebrity Gossip: Shaken, Not Stirred

By Maddie Drake

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I have to start this post by saying that my eyes are in a state of hangover from all the 4th of July themed celebrity Twitpics. First, Miley Cyrus posted a picture of herself with sparklers on her head and flags hanging like laundry in the background. Then of course, there was Jessica Simpson’s family photo that featured a terrified baby, and a truly hideous star spangled sweater. Heidi Klum got in on the fun by tweeting the classic, “Here I am at the beach!” body shot, and finally, who else but Britney Spears graced us with a picture of her and her family looking surprisingly normal in Hawaii. Jenner in a bikini even popped up in a classy Instagrammed shot. Seriously, there were so many and although my journalistic integrity forced me to scroll through them all, it was painful. I may never recover.


On another note, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are still heading toward divorce, don’tcha know. The settlement is currently being worked out, both are in constant contact with their lawyers, Katie has been spotted out with their daughter Suri multiple times, and every news station is trying to pull some serious oracle steez by listing ‘signs’ that the divorce was coming. Except guess what: NONE OF IT MATTERS BECAUSE WE KNOW THEY’RE DIVORCING. Seriously, this sounds like the most normal divorce on the planet. The only interesting part is that they’re both super rich and one is involved with a weird religion that nobody really understands. Judging by his interviews, even Tom doesn’t seem to quite understand it himself. So why do gossip sites and news channels continue to ignore subjects that might actually interest or educate the general public and stubbornly milk this story for all it’s worth? Wouldn’t they prefer to report on lesser-known issues so that we can be exposed to more topics and expand our minds?

Oh, shoot. I just laughed so hard that I spit water all over my keyboard. Hold on..

Justin Bieber was cited for reckless driving this week, which apparently is a big deal as well. According to celebuzz.com, he was ‘weaving in and out of traffic’. None of this should shock you, because he’s eighteen years old and that’s basically a full time profession for boys that age. What should shock you is that he was in a $100,000 Fisker Karma. Dude, I can’t even with celebrities. I’d love to sit back and say in a very self-assured voice, “Well, he won’t be happy with all these material possessions. They’ll probably just leave him feeling empty and unfulfilled” but let’s be real, he loves that car more than he loves his mom.

On a final and very sad note, Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher have been spotted together in multiple locations, and sometimes appear to be ‘cuddling’. I can honestly say that I hate this. Ashton Kutcher was alright in my book until the day he started appearing in those god-awful camera commercials and after that whole mess with Demi, I knew I was no longer team Kelso. On the opposite side of the spectrum, I think the entire universe is in agreement that Mila Kunis is an angelic treasure whose presence on Earth should be glorified. So you can see why I’m horrified with this pairing.

Stay tuned for next week, when I write about more things that make your mind ache and your soul cringe!

Maddie Drake can be reached at [email protected]