Citing health and safety concerns, the University of Massachusetts has announced it is banning students from the upcoming Spring Concert. The show, due to feature Lil Yachty and Khalid, will still take place; only now, Mullins Center staff are instructed to turn away anyone who presents a valid UMass student I.D.
Mary Dettloff, UMass deputy director of news and media relations, said this represents “a common-sense solution to a serious problem.”
“Let’s not kid ourselves, UMass students suck,” Dettloff said.
“I was at the Big Sean concert last month and saw five students being stretchered out before midday. Can these chumps not hold their liquor or what?” she continued. “Back in my day, Blarney started at 5 a.m. and finished when the 10 kegs ran dry. If UMass students can’t enjoy these shows, you best believe the staff will.”
Peter M. Haas, professor of political science at UMass, echoed Dettloff’s concerns.
“I’m really excited to attend the Spring Concert alongside my faculty without these pathetic students throwing up everywhere,” Haas said.
“Although I can’t claim to know Khalid particularly well, I’ve been bumping Lil Yachty since 2016,” he said. “I hope he drops BABY DADDY—that song slaps.”
“Don’t print this, but I’m planning on smuggling in some shrooms and getting next level lit,” Haas added.
Donald Trump tweeted his support for the policy, telling his 49 million followers this was a “BIG WIN for professors.”
“Students should stick to their PHONEY marches and leave the fun to the grownups. This is a massive victory for my #MAGA agenda!!!!” the President stated.
Max Wright, a sophomore history major, said he was disappointed but ultimately supported the decision.
“Yeah it blows, but what else can they do? UMass students are pretty awful,” Wright said.
“All we do is argue about which dining hall is better and complain whenever we’re assigned more than four pages of reading. Do we really deserve a Spring Concert?” he added.
“Anyway, have you even seen the poster?” Wright continued. “It looks like a second grader’s first attempt at using Microsoft paint.”
“I think most of my friends will go to the library instead, they’re screening a Harry Potter marathon which is pretty dope,” he said.
After a long pause, Wright began to cry.
“I don’t think I’ll be able to watch Dobby die again though,” Wright said between sobs.
Tickets to the concert will remain on sale to UMass faculty members until April 14, and students have been warned that the Mullins security team are looking forward to testing their new brand of pepper spray on anyone attempting to gain unlawful access to the venue.
Herbert Hoover can be resurrected and summoned for a comment by waving your Hoover Flag.
