Massachusetts Daily Collegian

Morning Wood: UMass seeks lifeguard for campus pond

Pay will be $1,000 worth of dining dollars…and maybe a few YCMPs

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(Maxwell Zaleski/Daily Collegian Graphics)

(Maxwell Zaleski/Daily Collegian Graphics)

(Maxwell Zaleski/Daily Collegian Graphics)

By Humble Superswan, The Black Swan in disguise

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The University of Massachusetts announced Friday that it is currently seeking a certified lifeguard to monitor the campus pond for the summer. UMass has been moving toward making the campus pond a public swimming pool for five years now, and they have finally been able to obtain the necessary permits to do so.

Cryin’ Reynolds, a UMass spokesperson, said, “It’s a dream come true! I graduated from UMass in 2015, and I was unable to make this happen back then, so I decided I would stick around and continue to fight for this important addition to the campus.”

Reynolds then teared up a bit, displaying how emotional this achievement was for him.

“I just can’t believe this is happening. My parents can’t say I’ve accomplished nothing at 25 anymore,” Reynolds exclaimed.

UMass had been fighting the Massachusetts Department of Public Health and the Massachusetts Division of Fisheries and Wildlife to obtain the permits. The Department of Public Health states that the pond contains toxic levels of goose droppings that pose a hazard for students. The Division of Fisheries and Wildlife states encroaching on the pond poses a conservation issue for the Canada Geese, Mallard Ducks, Wood Ducks and the fish that call the campus pond home.

Tom Hankerchief, the official representative for the Canada Geese, stated last Wednesday that unless new housing for the wildlife is secured, “there will be no honking deal!”

In order to accommodate these demands, UMass has decided to build new dorms near Southwest Residential Area for the geese and ducks that live in the campus pond. Reynolds said construction for these buildings will begin in the Fall 2018 semester.

Now that the deal has progressed, UMass is looking to take the necessary precautions to ensure the safety of the students who wish to swim in the pond. Any student who wishes to swim in the pond must receive a doctor’s note stating they are in good health and sign a waiver stating UMass is not liable for any diseases, infections, neuroses or Loch-Ness Monster bites obtained while swimming in the campus pond.

In addition to these requirements, the school is seeking a lifeguard to watch the pond during the 18 hours a day that it will be open. The lifeguard must be certified in CPR, an excellent swimmer and be willing to spend their entire summer sitting outside of the pond watching others enjoy it.

Only one lifeguard is being sought out, as the University is running low on funds due to a never-ending slew of frivolous construction projects.

Reynolds excitedly announced, “The salary for three months of work will be $1,000 in dining dollars. It’s certainly a steal. We may throw in a couple of YCMPs too if the annual budget is looking good.”

Meryl Weeps, a sophomore dual degree in biochemistry and theater, expressed disdain over the idea of spending more money on campus renovations.

Weeps said, “I don’t understand the need to build dorms for these geese. I mean, they’re a part of nature, and we’re a part of nature. We should all be able to cohabitate in this pond together!”

Humble Superswan lost her pager. She cannot be reached.

 

 

 

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