Morning Wood: Do you have a problem? Just drink water

Hydration is key

By Howard Toomas O’Connell, Constantly Peeing

Millions of people all around the world struggle with their day-to-day lives, constantly looking for solutions to their biggest insecurities and issues. There are hundreds of false remedies out there for very common issues like weight, mental health, finances and self-confidence. But do people ever really find the answers they’re looking for? No. That’s because they’re looking in the wrong place. Will you ever lose the weight by exercising? Probably not. Those bills aren’t going to get paid through hard work either. Therapy is boring, so why even bother? No conventional method is going to get you where you want. But there is one true solution that will fix any problem.

Just drink water.

Water is an incredible substance. First, it tastes like nothing. Who doesn’t like the taste of nothing? No one, that’s who. Second, it’s clear. Water being clear means that you can look through it and see how clean it is. Water is one of the only substances on the planet that is completely clear of all toxins, meaning that no matter how much of it you drink, it will never bring you harm. Furthermore, water is made up of the molecule H2O, which is held together using hydrogen bonds. Hydrogen bonding is what makes water so incredibly special. While it is responsible for giving water all of its physical properties, more importantly, hydrogen bonding involves hydrogen. Hydrogen is responsible for nuclear fusion occurring within the sun. So basically, when you drink water, you drink the sun. That’s really cool.

Now that the case for water being the only solution to any issue has been scientifically proven, let’s discuss what water can actually do. Water can alleviate you from any financial burden whatsoever. Really, just drink water. Are you in your mid-20s and absolutely crushed from the debt you accrued while in college? Just drink water. Did you just lose money in a nasty divorce? Drink water. Robbed? Drink water. Eventually, drinking enough water allows for the growth of your capital, similar to how water helps plants grow. That’s why plants are so wealthy.

Water is also instrumental in weight loss. Water is a universal solvent. That means it can break down anything. Yes, I’m pretty sure that means it can break down all that fat in your chin. It really requires almost no explanation. Why are people who play sports always skinny? They drink water on the sidelines. Models are pretty and skinny because the only thing they consume is water. Famous people became famous because they were able to afford higher-end water brands. In fact, Fiji water has been found to make more people celebrities than any other kind of water. It has to do with how clear it is. The more money you spend on a single bottle of water directly correlates to the amount of social capital you’ll acquire by drinking it.

Perhaps the most important function water has is its effect on mental health. The results are simply profound. Are you sad today? Just drink water. Do you have crippling depression that completely controls every aspect of your being? Just drink water. Schizophrenic? Just drink water and watch those voices in your head just wash away. Did mom die? Just drink water and you’ll forget the pain. It really is something.

And if your water is not making you feel any better today, try bubbly water. Seltzer has been found to double the amount of happiness someone can feel. It’s really fun to sip on something that has bubbles, so I’m assuming that’s the reason.

However, sometimes even bubbles aren’t enough to fix someone, so advanced water therapy must be used. While very advanced, it can be done at home. Just simply add flavoring to your water. It can be as simple as a squeeze of a lemon slice or as complicated as adding some liquid water enhancer. They come in all flavors and colors, each specific for a certain issue. I’ve heard blue raspberry helps with breakups.

Well, there you go. Here is the push you needed to start drinking water and getting your life back on track. And don’t forget.

Just drink water.

Howard Toomas O’Connell is failing all three of his classes due to lack of classroom participation because he is constantly taking bathroom breaks. He cannot be reached because his phone broke after he tried to get it to drink water when the battery died.