Alright, folks. I’m going to keep it on the straight and narrow with you – no beating around the bush. I am always trying to do better to connect with my wonderful student community here at UMass. Hopefully I’m speaking your language here.

Yesterday morning, after I had awoken from my slumber, I made a quick trip to Worcester Dining Common to have “brekkie.”

And goodness gracious me! I found that the selections were mid a.f.!

The Canadian bacon looked like chewed up bubble gum, and the eggs were floating in dubious egg juice.  It did not look appetizing at all. However, I did see a student tip the egg juice from the tray into his glass. I admire his tenacity and sheer intestinal fortitude, and will be looking out for him to offer him another Chancellor’s award, straight from my pockets.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. The absolutely janky breakfast options at school. I will admit, the learning kitchen at Worcester – or was it teaching kitchen? – is a beautiful sight to behold. And the flavouring syrups at Franklin are absolutely litty. However, I can only eat yogurt, congee, and bagels so many times a year before going “un poco loco.”

So, what can we do about this? While the efforts of the Dining Commons staff are commendable, I believe that we can start serving more varied breakfasts, and stat! I’m talking dim sum (I think we would all get sum, am I right?) and sushi. I’m talking shakshukha, sweet and savory crepes, avocado toast, bougie instant ramen and more.

I will be launching a formal investigation on the Dining Common situation, which will be supervised by a third-party organization, to see whether we can get to the bottom of this #firstworldproblem – or not. Hopefully you all think this idea is pushing P. Speaking of that, yesterday’s watery coffee from “Wussy” is hitting different, so off I go. Peace!

[Redacted] can be reached at [redacted]@.umass.edu.