Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

Happy Ending: I clicked the link. Where is it?

It’s been over an hour now
File photo/Daily Collegian (2011)

The end of the semester means a lot of things for the students of the University of Massachusetts. Reading week, finals and sometimes therapy dogs. But for the first time in the Massachusetts Daily Collegian’s history, it’s releasing “Happy Ending” a collection of satire articles written by the staff of the newspaper.

Much to my dismay.

To the uninitiated, a happy ending is usually given after a nice massage. For a little extra moola, in addition to getting a hard and deep massage, you can get something else massaged. You can imagine my excitement, dear reader, when it was announced that “Happy Ending” was going to be released on this fateful day. I understand that I initially misunderstood what the paper was doing, but I’m not backing down now.

“Happy endings? You’ve got to be an idiot or something to think that a newspaper would be providing those,” former Editor-in-Chief of the Daily Collegian and current university spokesman Neil Anblomi said in a press conference. “We actually did those until the 70s before the UHS shut it down.”

When pressed for comment, University Health Services’ Erector Peter Fitzinwell stated that he “had no memory” of UHS ever providing traditional happy endings. After requesting public records regarding this practice, I found that previous erectors had been providing happy endings, but that they were administered under the table. Fitzinwell took over as head erector in 1978, backing up Anblomi’s comments.

After successfully campaigning for the release of these public records, a general sense of outrage was felt amongst the student body. Incoming Chancellor Buster Cherry reached out to me, making a comment to try and gain favor with the student body he will soon be in charge of.

“I think that sometimes, we just need to go back to our roots,” Cherry said. “I believe that a chancellor from the 19th century started this idea of providing happy endings, and I promise that when my time to run this university comes, I’ll bring this back.”

The chancellor that Cherry was referring to is Craven Moorehead, one of the first chancellors that the University had, holding down the fort from 1867 to 1883. In his time, Moorehead was known as a stickler for tradition. As UMass Amherst was originally an agricultural school, massages were a necessity for work on the farm to continue.

But is Cherry’s assertion that Moorehead provided happy endings correct?

I reached out to Moorehead’s great-great-grandson, Pat Maweini. Maweini couldn’t “confirm or deny” whether his great-great-grandfather personally doled out the happy endings, but he did confirm via an old family scrapbook that Moorehead wrote letters describing a “sense of relief” that he saw every day on students’ faces after they received massages.

SGA Head of Head Ben Dover could not be reached for comment.

So what does this mean? To be frank, I quite literally have no idea. All I know is that I clicked the link, and I’m waiting for my happy ending. The satire has been wonderful in passing the time, but I’ll continue to wait until the happy ending presents itself.

Stella Virgin can be reached in his dorm room. Please. He’s begging you.

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    Dr. EdJan 12, 2023 at 4:16 pm

    Look into what Sigmund Freud’s “treatment” of his female patients consisted of.