Happy Ending: ‘Twas the night before finals week

Not a student was sleeping, that’s for sure

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Bryn Rothschild-Shea/Daily Collegian (2014)

By Clement Clark Snore, Collegian Satire Columnist

Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and portrayals of individuals are fictitious.

 

‘Twas the night before finals week when all through the dorm

The roommates lay studying, distressed and forlorn;

 

In one room, an Isenbro, three White Claws deep,

Took one look at his spreadsheet and promptly went to sleep;

In one room, a comp-sci guy, coding for hours,

Had time to mod Discord, but not take a shower;

Next door, an English girl, still under the word limit,

Was writing her essay and cried for 40 minutes;

Their last roommate shrugged and came in through the back,

He said, “C’s get degrees,” sparked a doob and relaxed;

 

When out on the sidewalk arose such a clatter,

They arose from their studies to see what was the matter;

“It’s the frat crowd again — freshmen, I’m certain …”

The English girl sighed as she pulled back the curtain;

 

When what to their wondering eyes did upstart,

A bespectacled little driver in a UMass golf cart;

Realization had dawned on them like a tsunami,

Who else could it be but Chancellor Subbaswamy!?

 

More rapid than eagles, the campus geese came,

To lead his white cart through the campus terrain:

“To Goessmann! To Stockbridge! On with our trip!

South College! And Herter! But Isenberg, we’ll skip …

From the top of DuBois to old Bartlett Hall!

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

 

Like leaves in the wind tunnel next to DuBois,

The golf cart soared with a clattering noise;

Though RHA rules said that rooftops were banned,

Geese flew to the dorms at Swamy’s command;

 

THUMP! On the roof, the roommates had heard,

The honking and squawking of each of the birds;

As they panicked and cowered on the living room floor,

In came K. Swamy, kicking in the front door;

He was dressed in maroon, dripped out in his suit,

Chancellor’s robe shining from his head to his boot;

 

“Have you all been good students?” he asked with great cheer,

The roommates all nodded, frozen in fear;

“I come bringing gifts!” opening his bag in a hurry,

But that only made the four roommates more worried;

 

To the Isenbro, he handed a QuikPay decree,

“An increase in the Isenberg activities fee!”

To the CS guy, “Build plans from the Manning donation …

but construction won’t start until after your graduation!”

To the English major, he gave an eCampus receipt,

“For a $200 textbook you won’t even need.”

 

“And from UMass admin, we have a gift for all students.”

The roommates then listened with great fear and prudence;

 

“From our hearts, we give to you over-admission!

A shortage of housing, and a raise in tuition!”

 

Swammy then stood there, beaming and smiling,

“Oh, and also, #1 campus dining.”

He let out a chuckle so jolly and sweet,

But the roommates were dialing the campus police;

 

“Well, that’s all from me — I’ll see you next year!”

Swammy turned away as he gathered his gear;

“Wait, aren’t you retiring?” the Isenbro asked,

Swammy just shrugged and vanished with a flash;

 

With honking of geese, the Chancellor flew away,

To find other students to daunt and dismay;

They heard him exclaim, ere he drove and impestered,

“Merry finals week to all, and to all a good semester!”

 

Donations to help Clement pay for his crippling student debt can be sent as a check to his name.