Happy Ending: U Don’t Matter! UMass announces an anti-toy drive for the holiday season

Halberds, feral cats and 15th-century war hammers are amongst items accepted

Bryn+Rothschild-Shea%2FDaily+Collegian+%282014%29

Picasa

Bryn Rothschild-Shea/Daily Collegian (2014)

By Grand Inqueefitor Steve, Contributor

Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.

In celebration of the Yuletide season, the University of Massachusetts has taken a medieval approach, announcing on Sunday evening that it will hold its newly annual anti-toy drive during finals season.

UMass is accepting any non-perishable form of anguish, suffering and sorrow. Due to environmental health & safety guidelines for neurotoxic substances, popular substances like jungle juice cannot be accepted. Monetary donations will also not be accepted, but silver stakes are welcomed.

The drive was created in response to the current mental state of the student populace.

“We believe that poor student morale and finals-induced mania can be uplifted through traditional means of expelling internal evils into the outer world. We believe that small acts of kindness can fix the crumbling resolve of any man or thing,” UMass spokesperson Neil Anblomi said.

Students’ responses to the drive have generally been positive. Enthusiastic, blood-curdling cackles of the damned could be heard around the campus after the announcement was cawed out by the University’s murder of crows under the glow of the blood moon. It should be noted that the Five College Séance group was also holding their annual haunting and potluck during that time.

We asked the UMass Charter for the Advancement of Krampus and Yuletide Ritual Studies, the sponsor of the anti-toy drive, for comment, but news correspondent Thaddeus Cheeks was eviscerated by the charter-owned gingerbread possum because of not abiding to charter media policies. We send our condolences to the Cheeks family, and services will be held in the inner sanctum of the Morrill IV Labyrinth at the next available blood moon.

The drive has faced criticism by professors and local organizations. Women, Gender, Sexuality Studies Professor Jocelyn Cocques commented in low garbles from the Old South College pit. “An anti-toy drive is an exploitative scheme to take advantage of exhausted students. It also ignores the diversity of the student body and those who do not observe Christian traditions,” she said. “A non-denominational sacrifice of Hadley to the Broken Ram would have sufficed.”

Other professors and the League for the Metaphysical Removal of Hadley also had complaints, but they could not be reached due to being crucified upside down on the north facade of the W. E. B. Du Bois Library. Repeated seances and Ouija board readings had also failed to get any response back. The library will continue to stay open during finals season.

The donated items and ideas will be gifted to the students housed at the Route 9 motel in Hadley.

“We hope that students can enjoy the magic of giving back this season and drown their sorrows. UMass will not be responsible for any maiming, hollowing, spontaneous combustions or hurt feelings because of this drive,” commented Chancellor Buster Cherry.

Grand Inqueefitor Steve can be reached by crow OR raven (not owl).