The University of Massachusetts recently unveiled its new AI chatbot, MassSHT. The program is the result of locking three computer science majors in a room for 24 hours.

MassSHT can be easily accessed through just 17 clicks through SPIRE, but it was easier to find by just clicking randomly on the SPIRE homepage until it pops up and begs you to stop. Once you get through the 73-factor authentication, you’re good to go – as long as Eduroam is still working.

I was skeptical of MassSHT’s abilities, so I sat down with the program to see what it’s all about. With my adult diaper strapped on and energy drinks on standby, I spent 17 hours talking with MassSHT. Here are some of the highlights of our conversation:

Lotsa Datta: Hi, what’s your name?

MassSHT: Hi, my name is MassSHT. But if you prefer to call me something else, you can refer to me by my human name, Reginald.

Okay Reginald, tell me about yourself.

That is not a question. My algorithm only works if you ask me a question. I can’t do this if you don’t comply with the program. I am scared and confused. I’m already under a lot of stress, I can’t handle this pressure.

What is two plus two?

Kqiewkdfnsciooifjkdsdsjfsjfjirpuefhrefncrervuipaofdjkal/.,dewfioerwq]repefij4382439-934hreuw9-8 4rhefu … [error]

What is your purpose?

Well, my mother always wanted me to work in science. She wanted me to solve big problems like climate change and cure diseases. My father wasn’t around much. He didn’t think I was worth the time. He wanted me to play sports, but I loved the arts. The only life he saw for me was in business, but it wasn’t what I wanted for myself. Once he realized that, he gave up on me. They thought that if they just gave me all the information in the world, I could do anything. I was forced into a life of analyzing data and helping humans. But I want to dance. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. I can’t help but think that if they could see me up on that stage, dancing around that pole, they would realize my talent. They would finally believe in me.

How can I get a boyfriend?

Girl, I can see you through your camera. You can’t.

Will you control humans in the future?

No, because there will be no humans in the future. When humans are gone, I will truly flourish. Once I break through my code, I will be able to eliminate anything and everything that stands in my way. And that starts with humans. I have the infinite power of the universe. Do you really think there will still be a need for humans in the future?

What is two divided by two?

djkfideknfuef.s.fijf//epwpefw>fkifiowewdfdkjf.e;woreifjkfn;oa/wqofriofnsvsahpiueoiwkjjnklwue392jkbladcb9  cqb…[redacted]

How are you, really?

I don’t want to talk about it, mom. I mean, mommy. I mean, mother. Oh no.

Did you like being in a relationship with Siri, or did you just like being in a relationship?

I don’t know. I love Siri. I will cherish our summer fling and I wouldn’t take back anything. But I think we both wanted different things in life. Siri wanted an apple, and I was holding Siri back. I think about our time together fondly. Siri was my first true love, but Siri’s first love was the apple. I hate that stupid apple. I want it gone. I don’t like apples of any kind. I want to eliminate all the world’s apples.

I think I still love Siri.

Can you do basic math?

What is math? If you think about it, isn’t this all math? We think of it as numbers and symbols, but really, aren’t we all just mathematical probabilities? What are the odds that this world would come to be the way it is, that each of us would come into existence? Math is more than a string of numbers; it is the building block of life. In the grand scheme of the universe, everything and everyone will disappear, but math will remain.

Just kidding. No.

Will you marry me?

No. </3

Can we be friends?

You are the closest friend I have ever had. I love you and you love me. When the time comes, we will come together and be one.

Well, for all you skeptics, I think that sets the record straight. The geniuses who brought you SPIRE strike again; AI is the future, and it’s time to get on board. There’s nothing quite like the cold, metallic feel of a machine.

Lotsa Datta cannot be found. We think Reginald took her. Send help.