Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

Morning Wood: Where to find UMass’ most eligible bachelors and bachelorettes

Looking for love in all the wrong places? Check these out instead
Geoff King/Daily Collegian (2010)

If you’re looking for a distraction from impending finals and your potential return to your parents’ house at the end of the semester, consider trying to find love. As everyone knows, the best time to get into a relationship is immediately before summer break. Whether you’re interested in a casual hookup, a drawn-out situationship or a soulmate, check out these on-campus hubs for singles.

The Mullins Center security checkpoint before a big game

Looking to score with a fellow Minuteman who’s just as passionate about University of Massachusetts sports as you are? Look no further. There’s no better time to make eye contact with the person of your dreams than when you’re standing with your arms outstretched as someone pats you down. Not only that, but the best time to scope out a guy’s hairline is right after he’s been asked to take off the hat he’s been wearing for the past eight hours. Don’t be afraid to flash your student ID — after all, if they can’t handle you at your worst, they don’t deserve you at your best. If you do happen upon your perfect match, your first date can start right away. Treat them to some lukewarm fries and get ready to scream along to all your favorite UMass chants. If you’re lucky, you’ll be screaming your date’s name by the time the night is over.

Du Bois elevator

That trip to the 23rd floor can get lonely. Why not spend it getting to know a potential partner? The ride might start off with a few — or a few dozen — people crammed into a small, dark space, but as you near the top floor those numbers are sure to dwindle. Who knows, the last person standing might be the love of your life. Clearly you both have way too much time on your hands, so procrastinate even more by stoking the flames of romance. The stacks of books provide the perfect amount of privacy, and the dead silence is sure to encourage some sexy whispering. Take in the picturesque view we all saw on our first weekend of freshman year and bask in the endless potential of new love.

South College showers

If you’ve ever found yourself wanting to freshen up after the English class you haven’t done the reading for since the first week of the semester, head down South College’s basement and hop into one of the luxurious showers. With fixtures and water pressure that rival a five-star hotel, the South College showers are the perfect location to find another literary enthusiast looking to get a little steamy. You’ll automatically have so many things in common: a passion for the written word, fantastic hygiene and a level of trust in the cleanliness of public restrooms that borders on delusion.

A standing-room only PVTA bus

There’s nothing like proximity to bring people together. It’s clear that the main goal of the Pioneer Valley Transit Authority is to foster a sense of community among its riders. At peak hours, riding a PVTA bus is akin to being shoved into a shoebox with fifty of the most worn-out, downtrodden people you’ve ever seen. With the constant stream of students boarding and disembarking, you’re bound to run into someone who catches your eye. Picture this: you both reach for the same handrail as the bus screeches to a halt outside the Fine Arts Center. You lock eyes and instantly fall head over heels. Fast forward ten years and you’re telling your kids the thrilling story of how you met, and how it all started with the PVTA.

The tunnel between Herter and Bartlett

If the previous locations are a little too cheery and uplifting for your taste, try the tunnel between Herter Hall and Bartlett Hall. Not only is it a convenient way to travel between the first and second worst buildings on campus, but it’s also the ideal location to run into like-minded singles who don’t mind things on the spookier side. The dim lighting is universally flattering and the ever-present threat of a rat crossing your path adds a titillating sense of danger. Next time you hear someone walking behind you, don’t walk faster like you usually do; turn around and ask if they’d like to grab a drink sometime. They might just be the one who can navigate the dark, shadowy tunnels of your heart.

UMass subreddit

Maybe you’re an introvert, shut-in or computer science major. If that’s the case, check out the UMass subreddit. Sure, you could use Tinder or Hinge, but why go to the trouble of downloading an entirely different app when you could use the platform you’re probably already very familiar with. Write up a brief description of yourself and what kind of partner you’re looking for, post it and hope that another lonely single is also browsing Reddit on a Saturday night. Mentioning your undying love for Sylvan might increase your chances of getting noticed. Sift through hundreds of posts about geese and incredibly detailed, unsolicited opinions of each dining hall while you wait for the replies to come rolling in.

If you’re looking for a good time, Annie Position can be reached at the number written on the third stall to the left in the Student Union bathroom.

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    DaveApr 3, 2023 at 11:34 pm

    This is terrible ? ?