Crime has been declared “eradicated” following the University of Massachusetts Police Department’s adoption of armed geese officers from the campus pond.
The decision to replace human officers with the avian species was made during a review of UMPD procedures and policies by Chief of Police Tyrone Parham. Citing rising costs of operating the department and the overextension of current resources, Parham defended the decision by saying the results speak for themselves.
“With human officers, the UMPD was limited in how many cases they could respond to. Noise complaints went unaddressed, and parking tickets went unissued,” Parham said, “but not with the geese. Nothing gets past them. They’re literally everywhere.”
The geese officers are on 24-hour patrol throughout the University’s campus, but their efforts are particularly concentrated in the vicinity of the campus pond. Since their institution, there has been a nearly 100 percent decline in both violent and non-violent crimes.
Donald Gladstone, deputy chief of aviary agents, said that the officers had also addressed non-criminal activities with equal vigor, creating a “no-man’s land.”
“Whether it’s murder or littering, the geese officers react pretty viciously,” Gladstone said. “We’ve managed to harness the pure hatred that is a goose.”
The geese do not require health insurance and receive complimentary food and housing in the grass by the campus pond.
“With the arrival of geese officers comes discipline, order and a screech loud enough to bring down even the wildest of Southwest ragers,” Parham explained.
Parham noted that he never doubted the ability of the geese to combat crime, saying that their “instinctive tactics” of pack hunts and sidewalk ambushes ward off any tempted criminals.
“This is the species that conspired to bring a plane down into the Hudson River, after all,” Parham added.
Senior physics major Jackie B. Stalk said that her temptation to litter outside of the library was immediately gone after she watched a freshman be nearly eviscerated by the officers for the same crime.
“First one goose stood erect, spread its wings and hissed,” Stalk recalled, “then a dozen appeared out of nowhere and they all charged. The poor kid barely got out of there alive.”
Michael Grimm, an assistant professor of animal science, described geese as the ideal police force agent.
“Once a goose is on your trail, that’s the end of the story. Now that they’re equipped with weapons, there’s really nothing stopping them from achieving their goals, and now their goal is justice,” Grimm noted, “Geese do not fear death.”
Grimm, a leading expert in geese, added, “You know, goosebumps are called that because fear is a natural reaction to seeing a goose.”
The program is facing criticism after claims that the new officers can be easily bribed with pieces of loose bread, or several hundred dollars. Geese officers responded to a request for comment with a blood-curdling hiss or honk. No further questions were asked, out of fear.
Yvonne “That’s a French Ass Name” is not giving out her phone number. She cannot be reached.
