Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.

If you are an on-campus student at the University of Massachusetts, chances are you experienced problems with the Wi-Fi this past week. It is also very likely that if you logged onto SPIRE to sign up for housing next year, your main character complex was humbled. Students all over the University are all wondering the same thing: how have we not fixed this issue yet?

I know UMass used to be an agricultural school, and I’m all for farming and nature and connecting with our roots, but there must be a limit.

I reached out to freshman Eddie Roam who claimed to have problems with his Wi-Fi this past week — or at least I think that is what he said. The service was very poor and the call kept cutting out.

“I was in my dorm trying to get onto the Wi-Fi for three hours,” Roam said. “When I finally got on I tried to log onto SPIRE and it was loading for so long that my computer fell asleep. It didn’t wake up for eight hours.”

Roam was too flustered to continue the interview, but I spotted him shortly after trying to give a hand-written note to a goose to deliver. Students are reverting to pre-revolution ways. We pulled the goose aside for an interview after this ordeal, but it did not want to cooperate with the press. It seems that the stress of employment by various students on campus has gotten to it.

We attempted to conduct several more interviews, but due to connectivity issues with the Wi-Fi, we were unable to complete them.

UMass has a great computer science program, so why not just have some of the students in the program create a new website, or at least make one that doesn’t travel at snail’s pace. I spoke with Professor Datta from the College of Information and Computer Sciences about claims of the lack of service in several buildings around campus, specifically the Fine Arts Center buildings.

“Why do kids in the Fine Arts Center need Wi-Fi anyway?” Professor Datta asked. “Just pretend you have it. Isn’t that what they do?”

The only group of students that didn’t seem to be concerned with the Wi-Fi and SPIRE crashes are the Isen-bros. It seems none of them noticed it was down.

University faculty don’t seem to be very concerned about the Wi-Fi crash of the past week. I spoke to Dr. McKrochip from the Dean’s office about these technical difficulties.

“SPIRE works perfectly when the Wi-Fi is up and running,” Dr. McKrochip commented. “There is occasionally a bit of a time lag, but that’s only because the administrators running the website tend to fall asleep. They are very overworked. Someone should really do something about that.”

How are students supposed to watch Euphoria or cyberbully Sam the Minuteman? What will we do without our weekly fix of Kanye cyberbullying Pete Davidson? How else will we keep up with what Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox are doing each week? This cannot go on.

Just because our motto is “Be Revolutionary” doesn’t mean we must embody our founding fathers in every aspect of our lives. Sam the Minuteman is as close as we need to be to the 1700s.

Asha Baron can be reached at [email protected].