Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

Satire: This Valentine’s Day, stay toxic

Who needs romance anyway?
Parker Peters / Daily Collegian.

Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.

Feb. 14 is not like other days. It’s Valentine’s Day, which is the one day a year when couples get to pretend they like each other and flaunt their “perfect” relationships. They take over movie theaters, Instagram feeds and (unfortunately) your next-door neighbors’ bedroom. The walls aren’t that thin, but they’re not miracle workers, people.

What about single people? What are we supposed to do on Valentine’s Day? It’s not fair that couples get to be happy with each other while we suffer alone, or worse, become their third-wheel again. Not this year.

Personally, I have never had a boyfriend, but I don’t need one. Seriously, who needs a boyfriend when you could have a friend who periodically forgets your name and everything about you? Or, one who tells you, “Wow, you look worse than Pete Davidson today.” Not me.

Just because I’m fine with being single doesn’t mean that couples should get to be happy this year. I mean who do they think they are? Just because they found someone who likes them and then created a beautiful relationship together, doesn’t mean that they have to celebrate for one day each year. I can find someone who likes me. Just last week someone whistled at me and said “nice view,” but you don’t see me running to the store to buy flowers.

They celebrate a baby shooting arrows at people to make them fall in love with the next person they see. Nothing says love like a winged infant with a bow and arrows. I see several flaws in this plan. I mean, what happens when Cupid shoots his love arrow at me in the middle of a lecture? Am I just in love with my professor who looks like he could fall over if he coughs too hard?

I asked junior Lon Lee how he feels about happy couples celebrating Valentine’s Day; he doesn’t appreciate public displays of affection on the holiday.

“I can’t even watch ‘Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey’ without a couple making out next to me,” Lee said. “And also, why are you making out during ‘Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey?’ It’s not really a come and get it kind of movie. I mean, it’s like who do you think you are being happy?”

I would like to note that this movie has not yet come out. Lee had a frantic look in his eyes, and it seems he is speaking fictitiously about the future, as if receiving a message from the beyond. Singlehood can do this to a person. I let him be after my interview, but someone should probably check up on him after Valentine’s Day.

Single senior Anita Mann has gathered tricks to deter happy couples from enjoying the day from her many, many years at the University of Massachusetts.

“When I see a happy couple enjoying a meal together, I just stop and stare,” Mann said. “I don’t even give them an angry look. I just widen my eyes and watch them until they go away. It works every time. It is kind of time consuming, but when couples see me, they always walk the other way. Though my English professor and his wife didn’t seem to appreciate it.”

I, for one, will not let couples be happy on Valentine’s Day. Not again. Not after everything they’ve done. I bought a bow and a set of suction cup arrows that I plan on aiming at annoying couples all around campus. I am simply doing what Cupid would want me to do.

At the end of the day, we must ask ourselves: Do couples really deserve to be happy? I say no. It’s time that us single people reclaim Valentine’s Day. If we don’t, we are just telling couples that we are okay with them. Is that really the message we want to spread? It’s bad enough the Isen-bro issue remains unsolved; we cannot let this problem continue to grow.

Asha Baron can be reached at [email protected] and followed on Twitter @ashajbaron.

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