Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.
After a significant service failure of eduroam last month left over 500 students unable to submit their assignments by 11:59 p.m. The University of Massachusetts Board of Trustees voted unanimously, over omelets at Frank, to require all UMass students, staff and faculty to abandon using email for communication and instead go back to handwritten letters. This policy was approved at the three other UMass campuses, but they should receive the decision in about three to four business days.
Over the summer, mailboxes were placed in front of dorms, classrooms, offices and the four dining halls in preparation for the upcoming school year. RSD offices took over entire dormitories, making space for P.O. Boxes, and all students who own electric scooters were drafted into the mail-carrying service. Students across campus have strongly advocated against this new ruling, saying that it will add even more issues to efficiency on campus.
“I sent a letter asking my professor for an extension on an assignment last week and never heard back,” junior food history major Anon Amiss said. “When I approached him after class, he only shrugged and suggested his mailbox was full. I thought he was messing with me until I actually checked his mailbox, which was indeed filled to the brim.”
Students who submit letters with spelling errors and wrong addresses will not be sent. As a result, the IT Service Desk in the campus center was replaced by a group of English students and professors specializing in grammar and composition. They’ve now been tasked with combatting the new issue of junk mail. “This is my fifth letter from Handshake just this week,” sophomore astrology major Kota Pendant said.
Due to the increasing demand, the campus store began rationing paper and pencils. Student employees at RSDs across campus are quitting in droves. The ones that remain have unionized. Residential Life requested that their mailboxes be removed, stating it cannot bear to receive yet another letter from a student’s parent begging them to let their child get a single dorm.
The unpopular policy will expand to even more online platforms in the future. Instagram announced students will now exchange Polaroids with each other. On RateMyProfessor, students will have to submit their course evaluations in person while looking straight into their professor’s eyes.
While mostly hated by all, the “Mail over Email” policy has done one thing right: increasing face-to-face interaction. Even if it means you’re personally dropping off newsletters to every single member of your RSO, UMass will continue to push for more nostalgic means of communication. We are sure you’ll hear from them soon. They did pay for priority mail express.
Christmaelle Vernet can be reached at [email protected].
