Around four months ago, the Massachusetts Daily Collegian released its holiday collection of satire celebrating the end of the semester: “Happy Ending.” This semester, on April Fools’ Day, the Collegian is releasing Morning Wood. What is Morning Wood, you ask? It surely just can’t be another collection of satire. I decided to hit the streets and ask members of the campus community what they thought it was.
“You seriously don’t know what Morning Wood is? I mean, what are you, seven years old?” UHS Erector Peter Fitzinwell said in between students being excused from UHS without seeing a doctor. “I can’t believe that I have to explain this: Morning Wood is a collection of satire written by columnists, editors and anyone else that wants to write, published by the Massachusetts Daily Collegian.”
Independent research brought back mixed results and a sense of distrust for Fitzinwell. Searching for “Morning Wood” on Google brought up several results that I, quite frankly, was not expecting. There was a wide variety of articles, video essays and, of course, images. I was appalled when I learned that “Morning Wood” has many different meanings. A lot of the images that related to this search brought back some nasty pictures that I wouldn’t subject my worst enemy to.
“I mean, I feel like most people know what morning wood is at this point in their life,” Women, Gender & Sexuality Studies professor Jocelyn Cocques said. “It’s almost to the point now where I don’t want to explain it to you. I really don’t want to kill your childlike sense of wonder and innocence.” Professor Cocques could not be reached for comment when presented with the images that came with the search “Morning Wood.
When conducting a poll amongst the student body, 50 percent of the student population couldn’t decide whether or not “morning wood” had more than one meaning.
“I can’t believe that you’re in college and you still don’t know what morning wood is. God, I can’t wait until room swap opens up so I can get out of here,” Mike Rotchburns, my roommate and the only other person I consulted for the poll, told me.
Multiple doctors and professionals in the medical field have been consulted, and I finally have my answer on what morning wood is. Now all I can do is drink a bunch of water right before bed and wake up on April 1.
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It’s now April 1. Where is it? Was Fitzinwell right? Is Morning Wood truly just a collection of satire written for the Collegian? Maybe I’m doing it wrong. Maybe I didn’t drink enough water. Maybe it’s just a tough day down there. There are a lot of possibilities right now, but I need answers.
“What are you doing in my office? It’s Saturday. This building is supposed to be closed,” UMass spokesperson and former editor-in-chief of the Daily Collegian Neil Anblomi said. “Wait, you’re the guy that’s been going around campus for the past week asking people what morning wood is? Security!”
After evading capture from UMPD Grand Inquisitor Rusty Butts, I remain on the run, ever vigilant to find the truth behind morning wood. If it doesn’t happen to me, it doesn’t happen to anyone, right?
Stella Virgin can be seen at the CVS by Big Y purchasing medication for erectile dysfunction. Please don’t email him or follow him on Twitter. He’s going through a rough patch right now.
